Tag Archives: marijuana

heavy petting: secret to my success.

1 Jan

So lately at work, like for the past year or so, there’s been some heavy petting going on between Harry and Thing 2, one of my middle aged spinster party waitresses. I let it happen because I like to keep morale up in my joint, and what the hell do I care if some weird lady wants to pet my husband’s hair?

Oh wait, did you think I meant that he was like feeling her up or something? Yeah, no. She just really likes to run her fingers through his thick locks. And I’m like “Whatever, Thing 2. I’m just gonna sit here and watch you pet my man,” and she’s like “Oh man, Shelby. Thank you so much, it just makes me feel all hot and bothered” and me and Thing 1 just sit there rolling our eyes at them.

That’s the thing, you guys. You need to keep your employees happy. An upbeat work environment makes for a productive staff. Even if said employee is unhealthily obsessed with your spouse and it requires essentially pimping him (his hair, let’s not be dramatic) out.

This weekend Harry and I are catering our wedding for some other couple in a barn someplace on Long Island. An event like this requires a team stronger than titanium (and I need like sooo many Xanaxes and weed brownies) to run smoothly. Naturally, Things 1 & 2 are vital components to this team, because they know that I’m an anal bitch when it comes to certain party details (angle at which to place tables / level to which water glass should be filled / EXACT time candles must be lit) and that they should BACK THE FUCK OFF and just do whatever I say, and they always have a good stash of pot for the end of night. Knowing these facts, I remain content, which, in turn, keeps Thing 1 cucumber cool. Thing 2 is a different story. She gets a little snippy if I don’t let her fondle my husband, so that’s a concession that I make. Just for her.

It also keeps Harry feeling young and virile, like he’s some strapping pornstar celebrity chef. And in case you didn’t know this about the restaurant business, a cranky chef is a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. Ask anyone who works with Harry. I mean, a chef. Not Harry, he’s like never cranky. Like ever.

Anyway, Charlie is also working the party. I got him to do it by telling him that I knew for sure that there are going to be some hot guys as guests. Charlie never turns down the chance to rip a heterosexual out of the closet, even if it’s only for a few hours. I’m paying him in bottles of vodka and condoms. There’s also a redhead working the party. But if I write about him he may lose his day job. So we’ll just call him Gregory and say that he would also like to be paid in vodka and condoms, but substitute the vodka for Charlie.

Do we know how to throw a party or what?????

Ya we do! We’re so good at throwing a party that I WROTE A HAIKU ABOUT IT!!!!!!


Hire us for fun.

There may be weed in your apps.

Pigs in a blanket.

Also, this happened today. It is a clip of me being interviewed by the CW 5pm news about something really crunchy and professional. Which proves that you can be a hippie who wears inappropriate footwear to a legislative session and skateboards around her development on a custom neon pink Penny Board, and still occasionally appear to be somewhat of a responsible adult.

Disclaimer: I like never ever ever associate my blog with my actual restaurant, but due to extreme vanity and egomania, I am doing so this evening. Kindly do not sue me because suddenly you’re putting 2 + 2 together and you realize that I’ve been writing shit about you all along. Moreover, don’t be scared to bring your children to my restaurant just because I talk like a sailor and have a brain like a pervy fifteen-year-old boy. Thanks dudes.


if i had a cauldron…

13 Nov

If I had a cauldron, after my babygirl drifted off to dreamland, I’d cook enormous quantities of pot butter in the backyard over a lovely homemade campfire. While it brewed I’d lay on a lounge chair staring up at the stars, dreaming up magnificent flavors of cookies. I would make a mental list of alternatives to Rice Krispies with which to create the most delicious treat in town.

I’d despose of the old weed in the dumpster, and some random dudes would stumble upon it and think they were getting lucky, but no beans, my friends. No beans.

I would keep the butter a special refrigerator, and in my spare time I’d whip up goodies galore in my special oven. I would use only the highest quality ingredients, such as organic flour and agave nectar, and source locally whenever possible, such as with Long Island honey and apples (that’s very Jewish, I’m well aware, but I’ve got to go with the demographics, do I not?).

I would hold Baked Sales all over town. I would host Special Pancake Breakfasts for adult softball leagues. I would set up a 10×10 popup tent outside of Whole Foods on the day before Thanksgiving and sell my hyper-local desserts, as a variety of stuffings. Life would be glorious and I would have business cards made up on moo.com because their stuff is just way better than the competition.

My customers would be like chill, man. I’d outsource to cutting edge hipster places that only take cash. I’d hire an intern.

People would accuse me of wanting to be Nancy Botwin from “Weeds” but the fact of the matter is that she converted to be a Jew, and I started out as one. Plus she’s fiction and I’m real. We both wear short skirts, making that round a wash. So I win.

In conclusion, I would like a cauldron for Hanukkah. Also a puppy.

double, double toil + trouble.