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employees i wish i could have punched.

13 Sep

Tonight I was fully intending on writing a scathing account of all the employees I’ve ever hated. I intended to curse superfluously and grumble about all of the arrogant servers who called me “babe,” or “Shel” within a week of meeting me, or “sweetie honey sugar pie.” I was going to list, by name and current home address, all of the waitresses (and waiter) who have attempted to sleep with my husband in an attempt to get better shifts. It would have been by far the most sardonic bit of prose I’d ever composed, and I’ve written some pretty nasty shit in my time.

But then 8pm rolled around.

And The X Factor turned my callous heart to mush.

Damn you Simon, and your endearing fatherly behavior towards your new co-judges and looser fitting t-shirt which is way more appropriate! And you, Demi, for making pink hair and horrible eyeliner look totally normal and for being wayyyyy more mature than me even though you’re only a teenager! And Brit Brit, for making the greatest comeback in the history of the world (you can try to fight me on this but the bitch shaved her head in public) and for being really adorable and like seriously eloquent considering most people look at you as a ditzy tween lip syncing popstar. And you, LA Reid, for making reference no less than ten billion times to Rihanna and Justin Bieber! And let us not forget the 13 year old girl crushing Nina Simone without being dressed like a prostitute! 

That’s right, I stood in front of my TV weeping at the utter ridiculousness that is an overproduced, overhyped American Idol-clone reality show (Not like “So You Think You Can Dance” or “Top Chef” which are top notch productions and therefor worthy of emotional investment). And the best part is, it’s only just begun!

Aaah September. There’s a briskness in the air that I can’t really even describe, because I’m holed up in my house finally watching new programming on non-cable channels! My DVR is more than 8% full! In fact, soon I’m going to be like totally stressed because it’s going to teeter at 93% for a few weeks until I figure out which new shows I hate! In case you’re one of those weird people who doesn’t watch TV or one of those other weird people who hasn’t read every article about the new fall lineups, here are the things I’m most excited for. Because I’m sure you highly value my expert opinion, seeing as I write a restaurant blog and my favorite show on TV is aimed at the 12-17 year old female demographic.

1. Rev(power icon)lution. All the power in the entire world goes out, including batteries so don’t try to find a quick fix there. Life goes on, mystery is not yet solved. I watched “Lost” for like 20 years with no satisfying conclusion. If this show fucks with my emotions like that I’m going to be really pissed, however I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt because the whole jungles-that-used-to-be-cities visual intrigues me.

2. Nashville. For obvious reasons. Such as that it takes place in Nashville and is about country music. I’m one notch less excited than I could be because it stars Hayden Panatierre and Heroes suckedddddd the last season it was on. Was it even on for more than one season? Add a notch for Connie Britton, fresh off of “American Horror Story,” (Um. The best. Until they added Adam Levine to the cast and now I can’t put it on my list of shows I’m excited for).

3. Vegas. I’m choosing this purely based on the fact that it’s starring Dennis Quaid and I REALLY love “The Parent Trap.” Also he’s wearing a cowboy hat.

4. Gossip Girl. I’m totally serious. I’m sorry! It’s just that it’s like Pretty Little Liars for grownups (ha!) and you know how much I LOVE PLL. Plus I saw this thing on Facebook and it reminded me that Dan Humphrey has gotten really hot over the years, accentuated by this killer role in “Easy A” with Emma Stone and the INFAMOUS Amanda Bynes, who if you don’t know keeps hitting people and running and was smoking pot out of a pipe that’s disguised to look like one of the car cigarette lighters. EPIC. This is literally the only returning show I’m excited for.

Just kidding!!!! I’m also excited for Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge, Parenthood and not Sons of Anarchy but Harry’s enthusiasm is contagious. AND ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Guys With Kids & The New Normal. I’m putting these two shows in the same little paragraph thing because I’ve seen them already and they’re both pretty funny and they also sort of suck a little bit compared to the shows they’re ripping off. That being said, I liked “Guys.” Anthony Anderson is really fucking hilarious and I didn’t even hate Jamie Lynn Siegler and the guy from “Bring It On” is in it (all grown up! Too skinny, cute though. Was cuter playing against Kirsten Dunst but eh). “Normal”is far better, unless you’re not into intelligent shows that make reference to “Grey Gardens” or witty gays.

Anyway, that’s all. I feel obligated to watch the Glee season premiere.

PS. Brit Brit applauds like a loser.

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tv shows for beautiful amazing people like me.

13 Mar

The other night a woman was early for her reservation with friends, and I helped her pass the time by giving brief synopses of every show on ABC Family (one is about a poor deaf girl who dates a hearing guy and a rich hearing girl who dates a deaf guy who were switched at birth and merge into one unhappy, unhealthy family; one is mostly Christian propaganda about fucking in your teens and suffering the consequenses by having babies and/or overacting; one is mostly Christian propaganda about gymnasts and costars DJ Tanner as a super Jesus lover; one is about really really pretty teenagers who have incredible hair and wardrobe and possibly kill people and/or date their English teachers and/or swim teammates; and one is about one really pretty rich twin and one really pretty poor twin and they were separated at birth but they find each other and then I stopped watching).

What this summary made me realize was how fucking amazing my taste in TV is. I’m not like you losers who watch NCIS or Grey’s Anatomy (anymore) or Dancing With the Stars. No, my shows are FAR superior. Except for the last episode of “Lost,” which I will admit ultimately made me feel like I wasted seven years of my life. Here’s every single show I currently watch, not counting the 20 shows I’ll forget about, as well as the entire roster of Disney Channel shows. As you can tell by this list, I am a girl. Either that, or I am a homosexual male, or my Uncle Michael, who has a thing for chick shows. I discovered this during the last season of Felicity, when he wept over the matzoh ball soup at Passover dinner.

  • “Gossip Girl” – Oh, Gossip Girl, how you play with my heart. Three months ago I would have given anything ANYTHING for Chuck and Blair to be together forever. But now there’s Dan, and ever since he hooked up with Emma Stone in Easy A he has scored some hardcore points with me, and I just don’t know anymore….
  • “Heart of Dixie” – Everyone on this show is hot and has a southern accent, other than Summer from the OC, who wears incredible shoes and dress shorts in every episode. This show makes me want to get preggers again just to have a baby named Lemon.
  • “Suburgatory” – Elton from Clueless plays a single DILF who moves to the most stereotypical rich white suburb EVER. Cheryl Hines has better cleavage than I imagined. She also has glistening teeth, oodles of charm, a moron for a daughter and Jay Mohr as her douchey future ex-husband.
  • “GCB” – I blogged about the Jewish counterparts of the Good Christian Bitches the other day, but I have since actually watched the show. It’s kind of fabulous, although I can’t tell any of the male characters apart. Kristen Chenoweth is one of my favorite people ever since the late, great show “Pushing Daisies” and she isn’t even the best part of GCB.
  • “Smash” – The surprising thing about this show is that Kathrine McPhee looks way better in her underwear than you might have originally thought. The tunes are catchy, the affair between Grace from Will & Grace and the guy playing Joe DiMaggio is HOTTTTTT, Angelica Huston is a goddess and the director can do SO MUCH BETTER than Ivy even though he’s an egomaniac. This is the show I probably look forward to the most every week, so it’s clearly wonderful.
  • “Modern Family” – You’re an idiot if you don’t watch this show. Sorry, but it’s true. Unless you don’t have a family, and then you might feel left out.
  • “Raising Hope” – I have learned many many life lessons from this show, such as how to play the ukulele and how to fix a hole in your pants by coloring your leg with a Sharpie. Also, how to laugh and how to love. No joke. Between the fart jokes this show’s got a hell of a heart.
  • “Top Chef” – Do not watch this show on an empty stomach.
  • “Shameless” – My favorite part about this show is that it’s 100% morally void, and so I find it highly relatable. They sell weed out of an ice cream truck, which is such a dream to me. The makeup department should win an Emmy for their ability to make the entire cast look sweaty, wasted, hungover, stoned and dirty in every single scene.
  • “Desperate Housewives” – I like to think of this as my theme show. Really I only watch it because it’s ending and I want to see who else they kill off other than Mike Delfino. Oops, SPOILER ALERT!
  • “The New Girl” – The first time I watched this show it was with Charlie, Harry and Nicole and we all decided that it was awesome. It has only grown on us since then. If my forehead weren’t too small I’d totally have bangs like Zooey Deschanel
  • “Cougartown” – Please please please let me find myself in the company at least one person as colorful as the characters in this show. The moral of this series is that you should heckle your loved ones as often as possible, even if it lands them in the hospital (mental or regular).
  • “Survivor” – Sometimes I randomly assemble the tables and chairs in the party room into an obstacle course and wear my bathing suit and race the clock. If there weren’t a chance that I’d have to eat live guppies swimming in a smoothie of lizard blood and rooster semen I would totally tryout. And get on the show. And win $1 million.

It turns out I watch a lot of TV, (I left out Happy Endings, The Mentalist even though the acting and writing and plots are HORRIFIC, Weeds obviously, 2 Broke Girls which is too lewd for Harry,The Big C, Shark Tank because I’m crushing on Mark Cuban, Mad Men and American Idol and probably so many more but I’ll sound like a couch potato if I go on) but I have to go because Charlie just told me about a dance he does every morning in his underwear to the new Neon Trees song and I have to learn the choreography before tomorrow because we’re gonna practice at work before dinner service.

HOLY SHIT I ALMOST FORGOT POETRY!!! A haiku, because I’ve really got to get to dance practice.

 Charlie needs a job

Please pay him lots of money

He’s a great dancer.

check out our future dance moves! 

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