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proof that I went to college.

1 Feb

Charlie’s semester started yesterday, which got me all nostalgic for my university days (Go Orange!). Thinking about these drunken and chilly years led to a deep reflection on my progress as a Human Being with a Film Degree. I compiled a short list of tasks I’ve completed over the course of the past 24 hours. Keep in mind, I am a highly trained professional so don’t be overwhelmed or feel inferior.

  1. Cleaned ketchup off the floor with a kitchen rag.
  2. Watched Jeopardy!
  3. Seated people and said “Have a nice dinner!”
  4. Brought extra Russian dressing to a 300 pound man who ordered apple juice with light ice
  5. Ate 6.5 cupcakes even though 1.75 of them were completely stale

I realize now that things must change. I must put my degree to use! So as homage to my years taking courses like “Road Trip Movies” and “Cinema of the Perverse and Apocalyptic,” participating in lectures on Fast Times at Ridgemont High and having “If you’re an agent and you take a producer out to lunch, who pays?” be a (serious) question on a final exam,  I’ve decided to review some films. You may wholeheartedly disagree with my opinions, but I have a degree so I’m right and you’re wrong. In my book, anything starring Zac Efron and premiering on the Disney Channel before it hits theaters is perfection in my book, but I’m thinking my audience is far more intellectual than that. So each of these films has been nominated for at least 1 Oscar this year.

  • Drive – If you’re using this film as Ryan Gosling porn, (not commenting on whether this was the case for me and/or Harry) stick with Crazy Stupid Love, because at least in that one he talks and takes his clothes off. However, if you’re searching for the ultimate 80s film, look no further than this ultra-violent art house car chase crapola, even though it was made this year and not decades ago. Carey Mulligan (ooh I love her!) and one of the guys from “Sons of Anarchy” (I thought Harry was having stomach pains but he was just really excited to see him) are in it. Fun fact! Even though the HORRIFIC soundtrack all sounds like it probably was first released on a cassette tape or possibly record, all of the music was produced between 2007 and 2011. My brother-in-law told me to “just enjoy the emotion and music” and to “let it soak in first” before declaring my hatred for it. And then I uninvited him to Thanksgiving. {1 THUMB SIDEWAYS, 1 THUMB SCRATCHING MY HEAD WONDERING WHY IT GOT GOOD REVIEWS}
  • The Artist – A silent film about silent films. DO NOT see this movie in theaters if you have crunchy candy. Stick with Twizzlers, and open the plastic on the box before the previews conclude. Otherwise it’s pretty good. Like any good Best Picture contender, it was fairly depressing but the stars are attractive and John Goodman is in it and he’s just such a good guy. Not that I know him, but I really liked “Roseanne” and Coyote Ugly. There are like 35 scenes with staircases in them, I’m not really sure what that’s all about. They don’t teach you the meaning of stairwells in film school, or at least the one I went to. {2 THUMBS UP, 1 POINTER FINGER SHHHH-ING PEOPLE CRUNCHING THEIR CANDY TOO LOUD}
  • Moneyball –  I paid zero attention to this while it was playing because I was writing an award-winning blog entry, but Harry seemed to be pretty upset that I didn’t watch. I bet it was good. Some of Harry’s favorite TV shows are “Lost,” “The OC,” and “Modern Family,” so judge accordingly. Brad Pitt freaks me out because I don’t get what was wrong with Jennifer Aniston in the first place. I don’t know. I literally know nothing about the plot except that it’s got Jonah Hill in it.  Also, if you’re gonna make a baseball movie, it better be A League of their Own or The Sandlot. {2 THUMBS UP FOR MY BLOG POST THAT NIGHT}
  • The Descendants – As a devoted “Secret Life of the American Teenager” fan (even though it’s completely ridiculous Christian propaganda and everyone is always getting unnecessarily married and the acting is bad and Pretty Little Liars is definitely the best show on ABC Family) I’m so happy to see the original Teen Mom win an Oscar nomination for her role as George Clooney’s juvenile delinquent daughter. Also I’m happy that George Clooney got nominated for having a sexy voice and pronouncing the word “Hawaii” really cool. I cried for only like 37% of the movie. {2 THUMBS UP EXCEPT WHEN I WAS WIPING MY SOBBING FACE WITH A TISSUE}
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – After watching this movie, I decided to get a dragon tattoo. Just kidding. But I did decide to watch the original Swedish version, and I like Rooney Mara like 100 million times more than the other chick. Charlie and I compared both heart wrenching rape scenes and decided it was a tie. However Daniel Craig’s eyes put the David Fincher production in the lead. Also the lack of subtitles. The soundtrack (by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. Wikipedia them.) was totally fab, and every person in the film who is shown in his or her underwear is wearing black bikini briefs except one time the girl with the dragon tattoo has white. {1 THUMB UP, 1 THUMB PUSHING ON MY iPHONE TO SEE WHAT TIME IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS A REALLY FUCKING LONG MOVIE AND WE SAW IT AT LIKE MIDNIGHT AND I WAS TIRED}
  • Midnight in Paris – I didn’t see this film because we kept saying we were gonna rent it during that period between Christmas and New Year’s when all the shows are reruns, but then Moneyball came out, and I had to watch Crazy, Stupid Love seventeen times in a row, and then we watched Blue Valentine and I went into a depression and wouldn’t come out of the bathroom for 3 days, and then Drive came out, and then regular TV came back on and Gossip Girl has so much more integrity than Woody Allen films so I guess it’s not happening. {2 THUMBS WAY DOWN FOR HARRY BUYING ME CRAZY STUPID LOVE}

As you can see, I am a painfully talented movie critic. Make sure you give me your feedback on these films so I know if you’re a super genius like me, or a dope like certain brothers-in-law who have yucky taste in action flicks.

Tomorrow I’m talking about my brother’s high school science teacher who I had a huge crush on and how he has been eating at my restaurant for the past 6 years but I haven’t acknowledged him yet and now it’s kind of too late but getting more awkward as time goes on.