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i just got locked inside the restaurant with the motion detector on. nobody move a muscle.

27 Jan

Once upon a time I got to work in the morning with a huge ass to-do list and was so busy for the entire day that I not only got zero things done, but also added like 5 bullets to it. I’m not even talking about work-y tasks, I mean like normal human being stuff (brush hair, put on makeup, pee). This business is like the occupational version of ADHD – it is literally impossible to focus one one thing for more than a fleeting moment. Just when you think you’re gonna have some time to sit down and make a flyer for your “Afternoon Delight” Valentine’s Day special promotion, some bitch finds a hair in her salad that CLEARLY came out of her own head, but she wants a bunch of free shit to compensate for the resulting emotional trauma.

As a result of my inability to get shit done, I’ve decided to start outsourcing some of my roles here at the restaurant.

  • Customer Service. (Unless customer is providing accolades or awards and/or going to provide a decent blog subject for that evening)
  • Employee Relations. (Unless said employee bears any resemblance to Ryan Gosling, Jimmy Fallon, Jason Bateman, the guy who played Marius in the Les Mis movie, Freddie Mercury or Ellen Degeneres and said relations involve a “private meeting about a private matter”)
  • Peeing. (There’s just no time for that shiz, plus the sink in my bathroom is always so cold)
  • Flyers. (I get to choose all the fonts, which actually takes up the majority of my design time, so maybe nevermind on this one)
  • Internet stuff other than Facebook. (This includes Instagram, because I actually LIKE being in my photos every once in awhile. My boobs aren’t going to be like this for much longer, I need to get them some screen time. I’m specifically looking for somebody who can get me like 10,000 more Facebook likes in a week. Also I don’t want to spend any more than $150 total on this person.)
  • Blogging. (I’m not even kidding, please somebody write a fucking guest post so this place is actually interesting again. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be interesting. I just don’t want to take the time to write it)
  • Selling Parties. (I’m just feeling so over false enthusiasm for your fucking wife’s fucking 40th birthday and what fucking colors the fucking balloons should be.)

Since I’m going to have so much free time with all this outsourcing, I’m going to do really exciting things that I’ve been dying to do. Such as:

  • Drink more beer.
  • Wear mascara so I don’t look like I’ve been crying for the past hour, even though chances are that is actually the case.
  • Drink another beer.
  • Make a Pinterest board for the next 5 restaurants we plan to open, as well as our Hashbrown Harry’s food trailer we’re now planning on opening in Austin because it’s the best place ever and we’re totally moving there and I don’t care if you think I’m just bullshitting you plus I’m also getting a tattoo so whatever.
  • Make a seasonal menu, which I have literally been planning to do since late August but I swear it’s really coming.
  • Load photos on a digital picture frame, as well as the awesome flyers Mystery Flyer Man is creating for me.
  • Write a book.
  • Talk nonstop to people about beer, even the people who don’t give a shit.

That’s pretty much it. I just fell asleep on my keyboard, luckily the dishwasher woke me up to tell me he ADIOS. I was like ¡HOLY MIERDA! ¡AY DIOS MIO! ¿DONDE ESTAS MI BABYGIRL Y MI TOTALLY ANNOYING PERRO???? NO ME GUSTAN RESTAURANTES. HASTA MAÑANA.


The moral of the story is: If you want to be in the restaurant business you’re a turd.


every week is sunshine week! (for my guest blogger, not me. don’t worry.)

22 Apr

To celebrate the last night of Sunshine Week, here’s a post written by Michelle, who’s the most optimistic girl on my Facebook feed by a longshot. Enjoy her enlightened outlook… She’s quite an inspiration!!


my name is michelle and I’m quite cheery

because i choose to be happy- it’s a choice not a theory

i realized just a few months ago

that life is pretty hilarious and fantastic, if you’re able to let go

let go of what you think you know about who you are supposed to be

close your eyes, turn off your mind, and then begin to see

that voice we call our conscious, that feeling we call our gut

that sacred knowing deep inside- well let me tell you what

i began to accept that knowing, as truth and not just dreams

i began to take the guidance, and let my life unravel at the seams

i went with the waves, refused to believe my objections, let go of all control

and holy shit now here i am, totally trusting and living as my soul!

i broke up with my boyfriend, bought a Living Social voucher to new delhi, agra & jaipur

stopped eating meat, began to smile on the street, and then began to soar

i sold my apartment on the upper west side, and resigned from Grey with tact

next week im moving to the east village- st. marks place to be exact

remember, kiddies, remember one thing, just one thing you should know

that inside we are so totally filled with love, and if you are able to connect to that glow…

your life will begin to turn out, exactly as its meant to be

you don’t have to do a thing, just relax, and smile and see.

ok guys. so that’s my poem. I learned to turn off my mind, and not believe my thoughts (that can say,”WTF are you doing walking away from this salary to start, what?? your own LLC?”!) and tune in to my soul, and listen to and trust it. Completely. And life has been a rockin’ bubble of happiness ever since. One thing I want you to know. You know that feeling when you are thinking of something that makes you smile as you walk down the street, and then as people pass you, they smile back at you? Or if you are tickling the toes of a one year old, and they begin to laugh hysterically? Or when you first start dating someone that you really like, and they text you that first smiley emoticon? There is something that wells up in you, it feels like joy, like giggles, like warm happiness. Well, that’s the love. It’s inside of you all the time- ALL THE TIME! And if you know that and begin to try to connect with it while in the shower, or sitting at your desk at work, I mean, your life is going to be a much happier place to hang out in. It’s crazy groovy when you tap in to it and realize that you can make yourself fill to the brim with love anytime you want- like, turning on a faucet of happiness at a moments notice.