a note on baby toting.

30 Apr

Once upon a time, a really tall dude and his regular-sized wife walked into the restaurant looking to book their newborn’s post-Christening blowout kegger or whatever. In his arms, the giant man held said infant, who wore a modest beanie and fuzzy blanket thingy. I screamed and fell over at the mere sight of such a bare-handed family. You see, until today, I’ve truly believed that the following items are 100% necessary for bringing your babygirl or babyboy on the long and treacherous 30 foot journey from parking lot to door to table (preferably a booth.. no not that one, there’s a draft… no, not that one, it’s too far from the bathroom… ugh this one is WAY too close to the kitchen):

  • Infant seat – The infant seat is surgically implanted to a baby’s ass at birth, and removed at some point between like 7 months and a year, depending on whether your kid is extra bulky or wants to be one of those show-off “active” brats. There is a special removal system for diaper changing and crib sleeping, but the infant is otherwise permanently adhered to his/her seat. 
  • Huge ass Stroller – Although no actual strolling takes place whilst a family eats their dinner, a baby must, must, must always be within drooling distance of his stroller. General rule of thumb: busier the night, bigger the stroller.  Insider note: a stroller is actually a rolling Mommy storage unit. 
  • iPad – Every baby needs an iPad. Fuck Leapsters and Windows based tablets, baby needs to save her work on the Cloud and do FaceTime with her other baby friends and work on her Spotify playlist. 
  • Snacks – Specifically these magical little Cheerio ripoffs called Puffs. Babies must constantly be eating Puffs, specifically when they are about to eat 2 jars of baby food, little itty bits of french fry, ice cream and a bottle. Puffs MUST always be distributed evenly between baby’s mouth and the floor. 
  • A diaper bag – Back in the olden days, I used a diaper bag. It was the size of my camp trunk and I was prepared for every season on land, sea and in space. If I left home without it my babygirl would cry and cry and cry out of desperation for and extra pair of socks and Baby’s First Words flash cards.  One day recently, I looked in the diaper bag and it was filled with outgrown diapers, dried up wipes, a moldy sippy cup and about 35 pounds of powdered Puffs. 
  • High Chair Cover – If you ever decide to become a parent, this will be the most important thing you will ever own other than those disposable placemats that stick on restaurant tables. I’m totally kidding. They’re seriously useless except for making fun of babies. Every parent wants to protect their angel from germs and nasty caked on food bits, but let’s be honest, my friends. Babies consume some seriously nasty shit. My babygirl dropped two cherries in the holes of the mats behind the bar today (we were changing a keg and doing inventory together) and I swear I had to pry them from her clenched teeth less than 2 seconds later. 

And so, the ogre daddy booked his kid’s party and the kid survived 7 minutes without a fuckin’ laptop and swing. And they all lived happily ever after. 

The end. 


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