waitress kidnapping for dummies.

14 Nov

Something funny about the restaurant business is that oftentimes when you go out to dinner, you get something at a competitor’s establishment that you really really want to steal for your own place. Tonight the particular thing to which I refer is a chick. Me, Harry and Ryan went on a date to a local steak place to celebrate the most fucked up 2 weeks of business ever, ever, ever, and at some point between the bread basket and dessert, we realized that our service was really great. The ensuing conversation wound up something like….

Me: I want our waitress.

Harry: So give her your number.

Me: Well do you want her?

Harry: I don’t answer trick questions.

Me: I’m not going to give her my number if you don’t want her.

Harry: Why don’t you ask Ryan if he wants her? I don’t feel comfortable with this situation.

Me: Ryan, do you want her?

Ryan: I’m not going to answer that question either.

Me: Well if you guys don’t want our waitress then I’m not giving her my number.

Harry: Give her your number.

Me: OH YOU THINK SHE’S PRETTIER THAN ME?? I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WA S SOOO BEAUTIFUL BUT NOW I KNOW THAT IT WAS ALL A LIE!!! 

Just kidding, I didn’t say that last part. I’m not a crazy bitch, yo. But we did all decide that it was a little awkward to give her my card, seeing as we were the last people to leave the restaurant and why would she want to come work for callous, insensitive-to-fellow-industry-folk pricks like us. So I left my blog card and maybe she’ll stumble upon this post and realize that it’s about her and figure out what restaurant I own and come running to me with open eyes and say “YES SHELBY, I WANT YOU TOO!” and we will live happily ever after forever and ever or at least until she gets a really good summer internship at Citi and has to leave to live in the NYU dorms.

Or (and this is 98% likely) the waitress hastily wiped the table, pushed the card on the floor and peaced out of that joint. Tomorrow one of my disgruntled customers (perhaps the one who trashed me on many many social media platforms this week, but don’t worry, we’ll get to that soon….) will pick it up on the floor when she goes there for lunch and read the post that is about her and somehow figure out my nearly-impossible-to-decipher true identity and hire a hitman, or worse, bombard me with 1 star and 0 star Yelp! reviews. THE HORROR!!!!

Sometimes you have to steal a server. It’s a catch 22, because they’re hard to attract – you need good ones to get more good ones. Otherwise you’re forced to do things like train them and manage them. No good restaurant manager wants to train or manage her servers, it’s a colossal waste of time. There’s so much more to be done, like beer inventory and figuring out what to have for lunch. It’s also fairly not nice to do to the establishment from which you’re stealing, but let’s face it – your place is better than theirs. Like way better.

Anyway, If we don’t hear from the waitress by Thursday Ryan and I are going to attempt the far less interesting  “open invitation to join our team” super fake smile business card handoff. BORIINNGGGGGG but far more effective.

My personal favorite approach to kidnapping another restaurant’s fabulous waiter is simple physical force. Usually by the time you’ve tied them up and then taken a little van ride and then cut the ropes, you’re totally bonded and pretty much BFFs. This has only worked once, but look how far Harry and I have come!!!

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One Response to “waitress kidnapping for dummies.”

  1. blabs4@aol.com November 18, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    just read this and couldn’t stop laughing.

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