if i had a cauldron…

13 Nov

If I had a cauldron, after my babygirl drifted off to dreamland, I’d cook enormous quantities of pot butter in the backyard over a lovely homemade campfire. While it brewed I’d lay on a lounge chair staring up at the stars, dreaming up magnificent flavors of cookies. I would make a mental list of alternatives to Rice Krispies with which to create the most delicious treat in town.

I’d despose of the old weed in the dumpster, and some random dudes would stumble upon it and think they were getting lucky, but no beans, my friends. No beans.

I would keep the butter a special refrigerator, and in my spare time I’d whip up goodies galore in my special oven. I would use only the highest quality ingredients, such as organic flour and agave nectar, and source locally whenever possible, such as with Long Island honey and apples (that’s very Jewish, I’m well aware, but I’ve got to go with the demographics, do I not?).

I would hold Baked Sales all over town. I would host Special Pancake Breakfasts for adult softball leagues. I would set up a 10×10 popup tent outside of Whole Foods on the day before Thanksgiving and sell my hyper-local desserts, as a variety of stuffings. Life would be glorious and I would have business cards made up on moo.com because their stuff is just way better than the competition.

My customers would be like chill, man. I’d outsource to cutting edge hipster places that only take cash. I’d hire an intern.

People would accuse me of wanting to be Nancy Botwin from “Weeds” but the fact of the matter is that she converted to be a Jew, and I started out as one. Plus she’s fiction and I’m real. We both wear short skirts, making that round a wash. So I win.

In conclusion, I would like a cauldron for Hanukkah. Also a puppy.

double, double toil + trouble.


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