employees i wish i could have punched.

13 Sep

Tonight I was fully intending on writing a scathing account of all the employees I’ve ever hated. I intended to curse superfluously and grumble about all of the arrogant servers who called me “babe,” or “Shel” within a week of meeting me, or “sweetie honey sugar pie.” I was going to list, by name and current home address, all of the waitresses (and waiter) who have attempted to sleep with my husband in an attempt to get better shifts. It would have been by far the most sardonic bit of prose I’d ever composed, and I’ve written some pretty nasty shit in my time.

But then 8pm rolled around.

And The X Factor turned my callous heart to mush.

Damn you Simon, and your endearing fatherly behavior towards your new co-judges and looser fitting t-shirt which is way more appropriate! And you, Demi, for making pink hair and horrible eyeliner look totally normal and for being wayyyyy more mature than me even though you’re only a teenager! And Brit Brit, for making the greatest comeback in the history of the world (you can try to fight me on this but the bitch shaved her head in public) and for being really adorable and like seriously eloquent considering most people look at you as a ditzy tween lip syncing popstar. And you, LA Reid, for making reference no less than ten billion times to Rihanna and Justin Bieber! And let us not forget the 13 year old girl crushing Nina Simone without being dressed like a prostitute! 

That’s right, I stood in front of my TV weeping at the utter ridiculousness that is an overproduced, overhyped American Idol-clone reality show (Not like “So You Think You Can Dance” or “Top Chef” which are top notch productions and therefor worthy of emotional investment). And the best part is, it’s only just begun!

Aaah September. There’s a briskness in the air that I can’t really even describe, because I’m holed up in my house finally watching new programming on non-cable channels! My DVR is more than 8% full! In fact, soon I’m going to be like totally stressed because it’s going to teeter at 93% for a few weeks until I figure out which new shows I hate! In case you’re one of those weird people who doesn’t watch TV or one of those other weird people who hasn’t read every article about the new fall lineups, here are the things I’m most excited for. Because I’m sure you highly value my expert opinion, seeing as I write a restaurant blog and my favorite show on TV is aimed at the 12-17 year old female demographic.

1. Rev(power icon)lution. All the power in the entire world goes out, including batteries so don’t try to find a quick fix there. Life goes on, mystery is not yet solved. I watched “Lost” for like 20 years with no satisfying conclusion. If this show fucks with my emotions like that I’m going to be really pissed, however I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt because the whole jungles-that-used-to-be-cities visual intrigues me.

2. Nashville. For obvious reasons. Such as that it takes place in Nashville and is about country music. I’m one notch less excited than I could be because it stars Hayden Panatierre and Heroes suckedddddd the last season it was on. Was it even on for more than one season? Add a notch for Connie Britton, fresh off of “American Horror Story,” (Um. The best. Until they added Adam Levine to the cast and now I can’t put it on my list of shows I’m excited for).

3. Vegas. I’m choosing this purely based on the fact that it’s starring Dennis Quaid and I REALLY love “The Parent Trap.” Also he’s wearing a cowboy hat.

4. Gossip Girl. I’m totally serious. I’m sorry! It’s just that it’s like Pretty Little Liars for grownups (ha!) and you know how much I LOVE PLL. Plus I saw this thing on Facebook and it reminded me that Dan Humphrey has gotten really hot over the years, accentuated by this killer role in “Easy A” with Emma Stone and the INFAMOUS Amanda Bynes, who if you don’t know keeps hitting people and running and was smoking pot out of a pipe that’s disguised to look like one of the car cigarette lighters. EPIC. This is literally the only returning show I’m excited for.

Just kidding!!!! I’m also excited for Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge, Parenthood and not Sons of Anarchy but Harry’s enthusiasm is contagious. AND ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.












5. Guys With Kids & The New Normal. I’m putting these two shows in the same little paragraph thing because I’ve seen them already and they’re both pretty funny and they also sort of suck a little bit compared to the shows they’re ripping off. That being said, I liked “Guys.” Anthony Anderson is really fucking hilarious and I didn’t even hate Jamie Lynn Siegler and the guy from “Bring It On” is in it (all grown up! Too skinny, cute though. Was cuter playing against Kirsten Dunst but eh). “Normal”is far better, unless you’re not into intelligent shows that make reference to “Grey Gardens” or witty gays.

Anyway, that’s all. I feel obligated to watch the Glee season premiere.

PS. Brit Brit applauds like a loser.


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