condoms + calamari (food is the new foreplay, you didn’t hear?)

11 Sep

If, by chance, you’re single and ready to mingle and you live in the general vicinity of my restaurant, then there’s a strong possiblitiy that you’ve been there on a blind/first/regular date. There’s also a chance that your date went extraordinarily well (or mediocre but you’ve hit a dry spell) and you’ve gotten lucky in the front or back seat of your date’s Audi thanks to a strategically placed parking lot with lots of nooks and, depending on the phase of the moon, only the slightest touch of light. Of course, you could be one of the chosen few who meets for a mid-afternoon martini-and-blowjob. I won’t mention any names, but just so you know your windows are not tinted.

I’m not going to generalize and say that every type of date occurs at my place. For instance, the teenagers go to Applebees and the super ugly people only go to movie theaters. But these are some of the key players to watch for:

1. The First Date Girl – This chick brings all of her first JDates (vocab of the day – JDate: for Jews) to the restaurant because it’s public and she can afford to pay her own way if he’s asshole/typically Jewish enough to split the meal. She eventually meets a guy who’s parents eat here every Friday after services, sparks fly, next thing you know they’re signing the Ketubah under the Chuppah (Jewish wedding stuff, if you don’t know what it is then you probably don’t care) and booking their baby naming in the party room. Mazel tov!

2. The Tennis Instructor – I don’t know what it is about tennis and sex that go hand in hand, but there has been a pretty consistent stream of tennis instructors who are either fucking their students or their students’ mothers. Probably both. You can find the tennis instructor at what we call “Table 1” at about 4:30pm eating shrimp cocktail with some tan lady who’s eating either a salad or a cheeseburger. They don’t stay long because her husband will be home from work soon and they need to go smack some balls before he wonders where she is.

3. The Tony Soprano – This guy is in the process of opening a restaurant even though the only place he ever sits when he comes to mine is the bar. He usually shows up with the same chick and talks about how fast his car is or how many suits he bought at Saks this morning or where he gets his nails done. Occasionally he runs into some other chick who was just having a salad with her tennis instructor, and then the next week she meets him for a cocktail or seven. He only dates divorcees because that way she’ll have some form of financial support in case he has to go to prison for a little while. He tips well and has a nice smile.

4. The Slutbag – There are like 100,000 Slutbags who show up at the restaurant, but this particular one is a dude. He shows up at the bar 5 nights a week with a different girl running towards his stool like he’s Johnny Depp, which he is like so not. He ignores the bartender because he’s too busy getting lost in his date’s eyes (and crotch, which he is trying to access while sitting about 7 feet away from a family of 4 who are innocently trying to watch the baseball game). Ignoring the bartender wouldn’t be a big deal, but she is literally the one person who can out the Slutbag and his slut slut ways. “Another one?” she might ask one night upon a brunette’s arrival. “What is that like seven different girls in six nights?” But then she would have to find another form of entertainment so she refrains.

5. The Cougar with a Deceptively Attractive Online Dating Profile Picture – This one always makes me a little bit depressed (and super fucking happy that I’m married and don’t have to deal with this shit). The look on a man’s face when he sees this chick for the first time could make you weep. Here he is, putting on his finest pleated front pants and making sure to trim every stray nose hair, thinking that he’s going to meet “the (2nd) one” and then he walks in to this train wreck of a woman who is fourteen years older than her photo suggests and has a horrifying nasally honking laugh. She can’t sit at a booth because she doesn’t fit even though her profile specifically mentioned her love for Pilates and organic farming and morning bike rides. You can’t feel too bad for the guy, because he posted a photo from his college years so she’s equally as disappointed.

6. The Part Time Lovers – These two are sooooo in love, they just can’t show it enough. Except when they come in for dinner on a double date with their spouses, at which point they have to play it super cool. Thank you, Part Time Lovers, for your complete moral looseness. You provide us with gossip when the well runs dry.

I don’t want to try to paint this picture of every date being like totally successful. Here’s an actual conversation that happened at the bar yesterday:

MIDDLE-AGED CHICK AT THE BAR ON A FIRST DATE (Looking at the menu, tapping her fingernails on the bar top): Eeeehhhhhhh, I wish there were some sort of plain skewered chicken on this menuuuuuu.

ME (Eavesdropping, obv): Well if you’re looking for that, maybe you can try this. The seasoned grilled chicken with grilled vegetables.

DATE CHICK: Is it plain?

ME: Yes, it is seasoned and grilled chicken with grilled vegetables.

DATE CHICK: Is it on a skewer?

ME: No, it is not on a skewer, but it is plain.

DATE CHICK (to date): Ughhh, I’m just so tired of chickennnnnn!

DATE: But you’re not tired of it if it’s on a skewer?*

See?? Not all dates are created equal. If I were you, I would not go on whatever dating site these two met on, because she’s really annoying.

Poetry Tuesday! A haiku once again, because I’m still too lazy to write anything longer.


Jews who just date Jews

Missing out on Christmas trees

Big mistake, my friends

*NOTE: These two people did not fuck in the parking lot. Also they’re really boring because they didn’t even stay for Trivia Night and it’s like so fun.


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