how to score a perfect rim job and also i was abducted tonight at the gas station.

6 Sep

One of the most difficult decisions a restaurant owner is faced with making is how to get the cinnamon sugar to adhere to the rim of a pint glass when pumpkin beer season rolls around. For me, today was this such event, and I spent no less than 80% of my time at work establishing the perfect sugar-to-cinnamon ratio, and then toying with maple syrup and lemon juice options in order to make it stick effectively. Oddly enough, the I came to the conclusion that the best adhesive is simply the frost on an icy glass, and thus destroyed hours of rim testing and beer drinking. I was so wasted by the late afternoon that I completely forgot to tell all of my servers that we had actually tapped the beer, yet got extremely angry at them when they didn’t sell it. “What the fuck? We need to sell the fucking pumpkin beer!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, spilling some of my brew on a waiter’s apron. “Get your fucking apron away from my spillage, bitch!” I apparently get angry when I’m fictionally drunk. The moral of the story is, my rim job is the best in town and tomorrow I’m going to show my bartenders how it’s done right.

Lately all I want to write is complete lies. Actually, since I’m a famous writer now, I get to call it something else.

Lately, all I want to write is fiction. For instance, tonight I went to the gas station to put some air in my tire (hey, did you know that Hess give you free air, which is like so very ironic, but anyway that makes them the best gas station in the history of the world but I’m also taking the truck into consideration so they sort of had a leg up on the competition to begin with). And I was bending over to attach the little hose to the thingy on the tire (very car savvy) and singing the rest of a country song that had been on in the car and when I stood up, there was this scary dude who’s race I won’t reveal because I don’t want to be politically incorrect and pigeonhole any nationality into being a bad guy but I will say that he wasn’t Asian and he was like “Nice tits*” and I was like “It’s a Saturday bra.” And he tried to grab me and pull me into the back of his 4 door Wrangler but I kicked him in the testicles and made him fall over and then I jumped into my passenger side, locked the door, climbed over the seat and ran him over.

Fine, it didn’t happen exactly like that, but the corner of the gas station where I was filling my tire was like really dark and that’s the sort of thing that could legitimately happen to an innocent amazing girl like me. The ironic thing, had I been abducted by the non-Asian would have been that Harry was a mere 100 feet away because the gas station is right next to the restaurant and you can even look over the fence from the dark air corner and see all the chimney-waiters chilling in the back.

Tomorrow since I was way too intoxicated to do it today, I’m going to decorate my tap handle with one of those little pumpkins from the craft store so everyone will know what it is. My favorite thing about the craft store is that since school started today, it’s officially time to start selling Christmas decorations. Which reminds me that it’s time to start seriously considering how I’ll be dressing my kids up for Halloween. My babygirl is only 2 so it’s a little soon to make her a slutty angel. And last year I made them be Pebbles and BamBam so my stepkid was that boy at the school Halloween parade wearing a skirt. This year I’m leaning towards my babygirl being a Jazzercise instructor and my stepkid being The Dude from the Big Lebowski because I’ve got this bowling bag laying around. But I’ve got at least 36 hours to decide, so we’ll see.

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