epic battle: water flavored beer vs. marijuana flavored tea.

24 Aug

One of the best parts about my job is that I basically get to do whatever I want to. For instance, today I took glamour shots of lobsters for the restaurant’s new Instagram account and offered a girl who was celebrating her 17th birthday at the restaurant a martini with no booze in it so she could impress her friends with her mature glassware. Some things are more long term, and require acute planning and execution. Lately, I’ve been devoting much energy to two arenas: Trivia Night and Craft Beers, both of which I knew literally zero about providing for my customers until like yesterday.

Trivia night came about because I’m tired of watching Jeopardy! all alone at the host station every night at 7 and impressing only myself with my vast knowledge of three syllable Shakespearean characters and shit like that. I hired a “professional” host, this man-child who lives down the way who has really good posture and taste in music (as far as I know, although he can’t tell the difference between the Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel so now I’m like seriously questioning that judgement) but does not know the definition of the word sibling and will only drink weed in the form of tea. I have him there so that I can feel free to participate and frolic around the restaurant with other trivia nerds and whisper sweet answers in random ears. He’s both entertaining and strange, two characteristics that I find close to my heart, so I like totally love when he comes, even though I think he’s drunk when he arrives but who cares because drinking makes you funnier and more interesting. No wait, you only THINK you’re funny and more interesting when you’re the drunk one. No wonder he giggles so much and mutters under his breath. Mystery solved. In any case, trivia night is literally the greatest thing that’s happened to the restaurant in years, unless you count regrouting the tiles behind the bar to stop it from smelling really bad. That was also pretty great.

Then there’s the beer. As we’ve discussed in the past, I like to drink whatever brew tastes the most like water (most often this is Bud Light but I’ll also settle for MGD 64). But it turns out that some people actually like their beer to taste like something, and I’ve made it my mission to make that available to them in the form of hipster-friendly Instagram-worthy bottles. Of all the things I’ve done in my life, and this includes taking the SATs and birthing a child and picking out a paint color for my office, choosing a craft beer list was by far and away the most difficult, stressful, awful occasion of my life. Like, the destiny of a beer lover’s evening literally lies in my hands. That is just way too much pressure. Plus, in the typical procrastinator fashion I’m so accustomed to, I waited until I had exactly 27 minutes left to order for my weekend delivery to choose a totally perfect list of beers. So basically I Googled the name of every craft brewery and whichever beer came up after the name on that instant result thing, (Harpoon……., Dogfish Head…….) that’s what I chose. And then just to solidify my decision, I asked the Spanish speaking women in the order department of the beer companies, who literally don’t give a fuck if I do or don’t order beer, and have no idea what is “trendy” for their opinions. And honestly? I feel really good about my decisions. Who cares if I’ve tried it or not, nothing is ever going to compare to my refreshing Bud Light.

Don’t think I’m gonna unveil my final list to you on here. You’ll have to wait patiently until tomorrow just like my customers. What, you think because you read this shit you should be privy to some sort of insider information? Um, no. Not happening.

In all honesty the list is like all the way on the other side of the house and I’m way too lazy/tired/comfortable/cold to go get it.

PS. My makeup bag is one of those purple drawstring felt bags that bottles of Crown Royal come in. That’s yet another perk of the restaurant business. INSANE free shit.


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