how to send your husband to prison. plus the epic return of poetry tuesday!

8 Aug

Tonight there must have been some sort of meeting of the minds at the restaurant, because I definitely had to deal with more dummies than usual. So here’s a poem to remember them by.

ode to schmuckos (a haiku)

your chicken has sauce

’cause it tastes better with it

so please just eat it.


Something really fucked up about the restaurant business is how nobody really enjoys coming to work unless there’s something juicy to gossip about. When things get slow on the rumor mill, someone either has to have unprotected sex with the busboy and then blab about it or someone needs to get arrested or someone just has to make up a semi-believable story about the boss and his wife.

Today I decided to combine #2 and #3. When this hottie cop guy who frequents the place came to pick up some takeout, I asked him if he would do me a favor and arrest Harry. I just felt like it might be fun to surprise him and have him cuffed for a crime he did not commit. HotCop informed me that he couldn’t just arrest him for no reason but guess what you guys!!! If I accuse him of something and ask them to arrest him they have to listen to me! And that would make for SUCH GOOD GOSSIP! So the plan we’ve (I’ve) devised is simple. I’ll say that Harry stole my wallet, and then right before he gets taken to the station I’ll miraculously find it! But the damage will be done. I’ll tweet a photo and everyone in town will wonder why the adorable chef at my restaurant is being carted away to prison and we’ll be more famous than the Kardashians!

When I told Harry about my genius plan, he requested that I not find my wallet until he has had at least 2 days of cell phone free rest in jail. I’ll be happy to oblige, as long as we can get all caught up on laundry beforehand. It’s only fair.


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