short skirts for business girls.

24 Jul

This evening during Happy Hour I was rudely interrupted from doing my liquor inventory by an old man bar customer who told me and my breasts that I’m “You know you’re really looking good and doing a great job keeping yourself fit.” I peeked my eyes over the clipboard, making sure my pursed lips were covered so he wouldn’t notice me holding in the puke that was rising through me and how hard I was trying to keep myself from hysterically laughing in his wrinkly face. “What do you do to keep yourself looking so good?” he asked me, and I think he may have been serious.

“Well Brittney and I were just discussing what types of candy bars to buy at Hess. I’ll walk there and buy them, and then I’ll eat one and I’ll wash it down with either a diet coke or some iced tea, and that’s how I keep myself looking so great.” I curtsied and found another activity to do that didn’t involve bending over to count bottles in a cooler or being undressed with an old dude’s eyes.

But for some reason, no matter what activity I engaged in today, from packing up hamburger takeout orders to plugging in a new stereo, some random weirdo was hitting on me. ALL. DAY. LONG. Like, I know I got a really good tan on vacation, but it was like seriously excessive. “I’m not wearing any makeup. Not even mascara!” I wanted to shout at them. “I didn’t brush my hair this morning! I have an itchy mosquito bite on my ass and my pinky toe has a nasty blister!” Anything to make it stop, I felt like totally objectified; like a hot ass piece of meat with an adorable outfit on. For hours I pondered the strange attraction that all these men were clearly displaying. Could it have had anything to do with the fact that the hem of my dress was about 17 inches above my knees? Eh, who knows?

That’s the thing about super short skirts. Every routine activity I participate in suddenly becomes a sexual thing. Like, if I want to change a light bulb and all I’m wearing is a little dress, this doesn’t mean that I want you to take a gander at my Superman Blue boy shorts. It means that I want to illuminate the ground below me. And if I want to erase the chalkboard while I’m standing on a countertop, it’s because Father’s Day is over, not because you’re curious if the curtains match the drapes. And if I bend down to pick up a mess on the floor, it’s because you can’t control your children and they are dropping every other piece of macaroni, not because I want you to stare me down in front of your wife and kids.

I don’t mean to miscommunicate my intentions; these skirts are truly important to my everyday work life. For instance, it’s summer and it’s like really hot out and the only way to not overheat is to have as much of your skin exposed to the air conditioning as possible. And when I wear pants they are constantly getting dirty from dragging on the kitchen mats and I’m trying to save money on my dry cleaning. Also my skirts have pockets (ironically their legged counterparts do not, for the most part) and I have some major shit to carry and without them I have to keep things like $10 bills and keys and phone messages tucked into my bra and I get paper cuts and rashes. Plus, they get me ANYTHING I WANT FROM ANY NON-RELATIVE MALE AND/OR LESBIAN WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

So guys, kindly get over your weird librarian/teacher/restaurant manager porn fantasies and let us ladies wear our skirts at whatever length we choose without assuming that we have any interest in performing sexual acts on you. We most likely would not touch you with a ten foot pole.

Unless you’re really hot or look good naked.

 

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One Response to “short skirts for business girls.”

  1. SUSAN July 25, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    AMEN

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