what i didn’t do on my summer vacation.

23 Jul

Well I’m back in town, currently buried under a sea of wrinkled tank tops and jean shorts and cover ups and crushed adorable dresses which I packed just in case my low key vacation to the Outer Banks magically morphed into a week on the Italian Riviera and the evenings consisted of romantic jaunts about town that didn’t include Ben & Jerry’s or mini golf. I don’t want to write because I haven’t been back to work yet, and frankly I’m not really angry enough to have anything remotely interesting to say. In a perfect world, my vacation with Harry’s family would have been shitty as hell and I’d have so much to bitch about that you’d be reading until tomorrow afternoon. But you know what? Making your own bed (and breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks) on a vacation wasn’t nearly as bad as I had originally imagined it would be. Also not as bad as I thought it would be was the beach (an inevitable aspect of the beach vacation) which I generally fucking loathe, due to sand all up in your shit and evil things lurking in the surf such as Man of Wars, Sharks, Moray Eels, the teeny tiny Sand Crabs (which my babygirl thoroughly enjoyed hoarding and occasionally crushing until their guts fell out. Give her a break, she isn’t even 2 yet). The beach was so not shitty, in fact, that I didn’t do anything that I drove down hoping to do. Basically all I did from sunrise to sunset was make my bed and sun myself, with occasional parenting and wifing thrown in for variety.

Here is a list of what I failed to accomplish on my summer vacation:

  • SURF – Our plan was to purchase some longboards and sex wax and some pairs of Roxy board shorts and hang ten like really hardcore every morning in the waves and then tie them to the roof and come back to New York looking way too cool for school. But then this thing happened, where surf boards are REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE and also this other thing happened where we have kids to chase and not necessarily any time to do things like catch a wave. So we nixed that. I did go on a boogie board, and it turns out it’s probably better that we didn’t buy the rash guards and accouterments because I like totally SUCK. Water sports I excel at? Outdoor showering.
  • KAYAK – I don’t understand why Harry’s family is too fancy for kayaking, but apparently they are. I would have gone alone but I couldn’t even get a ride to the place. They were all intimidated by my sportiness I think. Or they didn’t want to get roped into my antics. Because I would have made them race me for sure.
  • FISHING – Me and my sister-in-law had some pretty solid plans to go out fishing on one of those boats with sexy mates who load your hook with their bait one morning before the gang even woke up (we are both like totally vital to our families functioning properly so we wouldn’t be able to miss waking hours without husbands and/or children having temper tantrums). But then we realized that waking up early meant that we would have to wake up early, so we nixed it and decided to pursue renting poles at the pier, but upon discovery that it required baiting our own hooks we were like “Fuck this shit,” and we went shopping and drinking instead.
  • DRINK 7 DAYS STRAIGHT – I was SO PSYCHED to float through this vacation in a total lackadaisical buzz, clinging to a solo cup filled with coconut rum and pineapple juice or high-fiving my beer pong partner as we sloppily lost in the championship round of the family tournament. But then it was really windy on the porch so the tournament never went down and I ate so many chocolate chip cookies everyday that I couldn’t bring myself to consume the sugars in the boat drink, and so I remained basically sober save one night at this place called Señor Dicks where they were doing Shag Dancing lessons and had really really really cold beers and a guy named Tony who got dumped that afternoon and was sad.
  • READ 1 MAGAZINE – I was thisclose to finishing one, but alas it was not meant to be. It was Parenting Magazine, which is like such a waste of a publication because no parent has time to read a magazine.
  • WRITE “OBX” IN THE SAND AND TAKE A PHOTO – I’ve been contemplating heading over to a Long Island beach and doing it and just saying that it was in North Carolina, but now I just told you so I can’t even do that anymore. Darn. Why did I tell you? We did take a gay family photo on the beach wearing matching white shirts and jeans. Perhaps I’ll post a little photo scrapbook later this week of incriminating family photos and this will be one of them. It will all depend on how my hair looks.
  • WITNESS BABY SEA TURTLES HATCH + HEAD TO THE SEA – There’s no “s” in the sea turtle we saw. But one was enough to inspire me to get a tattoo of a baby sea turtle with a little peace sign on it’s shell. Thanks, little guy.

That being said, the week was not without its productive moments. Here are some surprising accomplishments. Don’t fall over with excitement, although it’s a pretty intense list:

  • PLAYED CORNHOLE WITH MYSELF – It would have been with the siblings, but they weren’t into it. Hey! This probably sounds really dirty if you don’t know what corn hole is. Don’t worry, I didn’t either until like 3 weeks ago. It’s beanbag toss, fellow Yankees! Like a tailgating game for hicks. The boards were really far apart and there was technically no light outside of the bar where we were (I was) playing, but it was still THE BEST.
  • FOUND OUT THAT IF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW COULD CHOOSE ONE PRODUCT TO BE SOLD IN A VENDING MACHINE, IT WOULD BE COCAINE – Regardless of whether or not this was a joke, it is not OK that this occurred. New rule: no more board games that say “Adult” when playing with parents, especially when any alcohol is involved.
  • COOKED AN ENTIRE BOX OF PANCAKES IN ONE POP, SANS GRIDDLE – Perhaps the most challenging hour of the vacation.
  • HIT A FOUL SHOT BACKWARDS OVER MY HEAD DURING A GAME OF HORSE – That being said, I lost every game we played. I also lost at Kanjam (I’m a better Jammer than Kanner, I have learned, AKA I can’t throw a frisbee for shit) and I lost at Hearts and if it is possible to lose at jigsaw puzzle then I lost at that too.
  • DRUNKENLY INTERVIEWED A 6’5″ HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHED BOUNCER AT A COUNTRY BAR ABOUT HIS TASTE IN MUSIC – I then proceeded to thank him for giving me the greatest night of my life (because the jukebox had lots of good country in the Top 100) and accused him of not being openminded about New Country and complimented his incredible mechanical bull operating skills. We had this conversation all without him cracking a smile, or showing one speck of emotion. I think he really enjoyed my company.
  • PLAYED JAX – The bouncy ball was a little puny for the size of the Jax and there were only 8 instead of 10 and my step kid is REALLY BAD at playing but REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC about trying, which makes every game take like 7 hours instead of 7 minutes, but it obviously kicked some summer ass.

All in all, you should be really jealous that you weren’t invited to my family vacation, and you should invite me on yours so that I an assure you’ll have a great time. According to me, I’m totally the life of the party. Especially if there’s a kayak.

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