epic battle: shelby vs. harry

9 Jul

While a bit of friendly competition keeps the juices flowing for oodles of couples, Harry and I find that our special relationship is better suited for ultra-competitve, cutthroat throwdowns involving every single facet of our lives. We go head to head in a multitude of arenas, including (but not limited to) who wakes up the most often with the baby, tennis, swim races, eating contests and filling two imaginary busses with the people in our lives based on who they think is cooler. Right now my bus has Charlie, Nicole, my mom, my high school Spanish teacher Señora Davidson and most likely the plumber. Harry’s bus has these two swingers who come to the bar, my dad, (it’s fishing season and my dad gets intimidated by my mad casting skills) my babygirl because he still gives her a bottle and I don’t, the 19-year-old waitresses who think that he’s sexy because of his position and temper and the owner of the local sushi place, because Harry keeps them in business.

Generally speaking, Harry and I are extraordinarily cool, so we both have an overflowing bus nearly all the time. I thought that I’d compare our qualities, so that perhaps we can figure out for once and for all, who is cooler.

  • LOOKS – I am definitely handsomer than Harry, if for no other reason than my gorgeous blue eyes. We both have thick hair, so that’s a tie. But mine is longer and wavy like Steven Tyler’s only more fabulous and less feathery. Harry’s nose is really nice, while mine is a little bit bumpy (however, as a traditional Jew, my nose is still the nicest in my family even with the bumpiness). We’re both pretty dreamy though. Easy on the eyes for sure. Especially when we’re not hungover or crying or pale.
  • PHYSIQUE – Kindly refer to the sentence where I said that Harry and I compete in eating contests. Obviously there is no winner here. If the tiebreaker were legs, Harry would win because his are really top notch (and mine, according to him this very morning, are “thick like a lesbian softball player’s”). If the tiebreaker were boobies, I’d take the prize but not by a landslide. Harry has one permanently hard nipple as a result of an unfortunate piercing incident. So that gives him extra points. But when I wear my Gilly Hicks bra you can forget about it. Me by a landslide.
  • CULINARY SKILLS – This one isn’t fair! Who chose these categories anyway? Whatever, I can make rice krispy treats, chocolate chip pancakes, grilled cheese, matzah ball soup, (from the packet that you just add water and one egg to) ice cream sundaes, orangeade and pot brownies. So what if Harry can make beef wellington that will make you orgasm?
  • TASTE IN MUSIC – Other than my oft questionable love for country music, show tunes and the Brandenburg Concerto, my taste in music fucking rules. I literally charge people to listen to my playlists at the restaurant. Harry listens to Lithium and 90s on 9 and sometimes I catch him NOT SHUTTING OFF MAMBO #5. This is not ok, I’m not only embarrassed to be writing this fact, but am strongly considering having the channel removed from our Sirius subscription so he never has to expose this great weakness to me (or you) again!
  • FACEBOOK PROFILE – This one definitely goes to me because Harry isn’t on Facebook. Ha! Bet if he knew this was going to be a category he wouldn’t be so “against the grain” about that shit.
  • GENERAL COOLNESS – I’m really cool because I’m getting a tattoo (I swear it’s happening soon.) and I’m an aspiring weed dealer  and I have a Burberry raincoat but my favorite possession is a Kiss concert shirt from 1980 that has their faces unpainted. Also I’m secretly great at math and I played on an all girl’s ice hockey team and my favorite movie is Excess Baggage with Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro. Harry is cool because he’s really good at that boy secret handshake/high five/hug/fist bump thing and he tells good stories (about me) and he doesn’t crack under pressure and his handwriting is great.
  • POPULAR CULTURE KNOWLEDGE – Harry and I each bring something very distinct to the table when it comes to pop culture. Harry is constantly on TMZ, so he’s fabulous at breaking news and following important issues such as how many people called the police to complain that Justin Bieber was speeding on the freeway (10) and also he’s a huge John Cusack fan so if you’re looking for someone to navigate “One Crazy Summer,” he’s your man. I, on the other hand, have seen every Mary Kate and Ashley movie that has ever been made. I also own a few of their skirts from their JC Penney Olsenboye line, as well as their body spray circa 1997. I know every line to Spaceballs and most of the choreography in the movie Center Stage. I’m a champion “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” player, and have read the play (and seen the film adaptation starring Will Smith) that the name of the game borrows from. We are in the upper echelon of pop culture phenoms.
  • CREATIVE INSTINCT – The other day I made a Starbucks bag into a hula skirt using nothing. My belt hooks are vintage drawer handles. I turned a dresser into a desk by hammering out the bottom two drawers and painting it purple. I wrote a short story about a funeral that’s held on a cruise ship by a couple that’s severely obsessed with role playing. Harry doesn’t stand a chance. Neither does Martha Stewart or Zooey Deschanel.
  • SOCIAL SKILLS – While we both totally blow at socializing and take pride in our awkwardness whilst conversating with anyone out of our comfort zone, I would have to give this round to Harry. Yes, you and I have grown quite close, and I really do feel like I can open up to you, but the truth is, I’m a total spaz when it comes to any sort of activity that involves speaking to another human being. That being said, Harry has this angry switch that he sometimes flips during dinner service and jumps down the throats of bartenders over 3 spilled french fries, so maybe it’s a draw.

The moral of the story is, it’s very important that you marry someone nearly as cool as you are, because who wants to participate in a runaway Cool Contest? When we pressed our staff to decide who’s bus they’d choose, they refrained from answering and I just didn’t understand because I’m the clear winner. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that if they chose me, Harry would cry and have a temper tantrum. So they cut him a break and let him think that he holds a candle to an amazing chick like me.

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