how to be a half-assed hostess.

7 Jul

As a result of a little under-the-weather action by one of my kids, we spent the majority of 4th of July out of commission at the doctor, and unable to do things like buy food, cook it, plant stuff so it looks like we’ve used our backyard this year or windex the inch-and-a-half of dirt and mosquito carcasses off the table. As the hours passed, things got more and more dire. Harry ran to work in order to put out a catering order, stranding me with two bored kids, one empty Starbucks shopping bag, two balloons (until my babygirl popped hers and then one) and a pending meal that we were supposed to be hosting in the late afternoon.

The delay in preparing the festive dinner meant that I’d have to scrap the original menu, which was fucking awesome and I’m still in the mood for it so I better make some friends or have a party so I can enjoy it.

  • Fried Chicken
  • Hot Dogs
  • Cole Slaw
  • Biscuits
  • Orzo Salad
  • Regular Salad
  • Watermelon
  • Chips and Dip
  • Berry Shortcake (Harry beefed it up by switching the shortcakes to fresh waffles)
  • The Ice Cream man, because we’ve got a soft serve guy this year! So how can we not!??!?!

I know, great menu, right?

Too bad that bacteria and fungus or whatever it is that kids transfer to one another while they’re playing dodgeball and arts ‘n crafts totally fucked it up.

Instead we got home exactly 1 hour before our guests were to show with 3 bags of crap from Target and a pigsty house. My stepkid and I washed down the backyard (I had the privilege of cutting back the poison ivy because I am that good of a stepmom). We cleared all the cobwebs, emptied last year’s trash out of the garbage can* and chopped down a weed that had infiltrated the patio. Harry ran to the deli and ordered some cold cuts and bread and cocktail sauce. I defrosted some shrimp, cut lemons that may or may not have been purchased this year and filled a pitcher of water with the finest water my refrigerator offers. I made a fancy salad of lettuce and tomato (I cut the mold off so as not to scare my guests). I clumped the plethora of condiments together on a shelf in the fridge for easier access when we were ready to eat, shoved a few piles of paperwork in a closet, brushed my babygirl’s hair, washed my face and was ready to face my guests.

As a result of our impressive planning, we wound up with a feast fit for kings:

  • Pirates Booty
  • Shrimp cocktail
  • Chips and peach salsa (top layer poured off for freshness)
  • Fancy salad
  • Carrots (nobody ate those, we’re not fancy like that)
  • Hot dogs
  • Cold cuts and a giant thing of Mayo and Italian bread
  • Soupy cole slaw (yum!)
  • I don’t know what else because frankly I’m only concerned with what goes on my own plate
  • Baked Cheetos
The definite lowlight of the afternoon was that we were all in the pool when the ice cream man came, so we couldn’t get soft serve sundaes which totally blew. Fortunately our friends know us well enough to have brought a 12 pack of Crumbs cupcakes, so all was well with the world again.
When they went home, Harry and I high fived and passed out on the floor because being a half-assed hostess is EXHAUSTING!

*Sidebar. Look. It is really tough trying to work full time, raise 1.5 children and a husband, keep up with every series on ABC Family, eat 7 well-rounded meals/desserts a day and be totally beautiful. So just chill out on getting all judgy-wudgy about my nasty backyard. Nobody needs flowers or living grass. Get over it.

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One Response to “how to be a half-assed hostess.”

  1. Tricia July 7, 2012 at 1:04 am #

    I don’t think Lmao can say enough, so I’m going to have to say I am honestly laughing my fucking ass off!!! First time reading your blog and if you keep this up, will def not be my last!!!

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