how i almost got died today via poison.

28 Jun

I’ve got the Sophomore Slump.

Over the past few weeks, nearly the entire Front of the House staff (vocab review: FOH (Front of the House) – waiters, waitresses, busboys, hostesses & bartenders) has shifted at the restaurant and I fucking hate it. Something that had previously been really awesome about my job was that my staff had been with me for so long that I could let them do their own thing and knew that shit was taken care of. Now I’m suddenly a full-time babysitter, in charge of eavesdropping on servers at their tables, making sure they come to work on time and dressed appropriately, fixing their boo boos and constantly checking the computer to make sure that they are charging customers for their coffees and sodas instead of attempting the buyback approach to get a bigger tip (kindly don’t fall for this, it will encourage them to do it over and over until ever restaurant owner in the entire world is out of business). And there are all these little new people doing highly mediocre jobs and they’re boring and they’re lousy company and the super duper shitty ones haven’t been weeded out yet and it sucks sucks sucks.

I was so frustrated about it today that I was a total cranky bitch. I was such a bitch, in fact, that when a woman came to me with one $20 bill and one $10 bill asking for “one ten and two fives for this one, and one five and five ones for this one” I handed her the ten back and said “I don’t understand how you can be so fucking stupid as to hand me a ten dollar bill and ask for one back. You have caused me to lose faith in all of humanity.” And then she cried and I said “Man up, woman. Crying is for sissies.”

Ok that didn’t happen at all. In fact, I was actually in a pretty good mood because these really cute FBI agents came in looking for an ex-employee who got 6 DWIs and fled the state but seems to have been spotted at various 7-11s around town and at Applebees stealing bottles of liquor from behind the bar. (Have I mentioned what standup people I’ve managed to find through the years??) And when I asked them to come into the dining room and arrest a random customer just for my own personal enjoyment they OBLIGED and in they went, and I pointed to some middle aged woman wearing a striped sweater and said “Officers, arrest this woman” but it turned out that they thought I was only joking so they didn’t do it and then I got sad again.

Luckily I had a marketing meeting with an entertaining colleague of mine who thinks he’s smarter than everyone, which is something I very much enjoy about him, because I, too, think that I’m smarter than everyone. We were being über productive today, discussing ever important things like which one of us can design a more splendid cocktail menu and whether or not it is ethical to write reviews for your own restaurant on Yelp to increase your rating. Yes, we were like social media animals, attacking everything that came in our way. But then my marketing partner asked me if I’m pregnant, and then decided that he would like to take the can of that liquid duster stuff that you stick a straw on and clean your keyboard and shoot it in my mouth. Hey, guess what! Bet you didnt ‘t know there’s something inside that shit called “bitterant!”  Bet you didn’t know it makes your mouth burn and seven hours later, still lingers on your lips every time you go to feel how chapped they’ve become in mere minutes! Bet you didn’t know that it has it’s own Wikipedia page, explaining how it’s purpose is to prevent people from inhaling entire cans of it at a time, because apparently that is like drug abuse or something. Bet you didn’t know that it is the most horrific thing I have ever put in my mouth, and I have put A LOT of things in my mouth (clearly, as I do look preggers and all). Yes, my marketing partner poisoned me and called me fat.

Is this the same person who told me that my diet isn’t working just a couple of months ago? Why yes it is! Do I need to assess my work relationship with this person and perhaps find some sort of more flattering replacement? Um, I think that might be a good idea. Is the only way he is going to stay my marketing partner to have him grovel at my feet, cook me dinner and buy me tickets to the best concert in town? You bet your ass!

Anyway, thus continued my shitty cranky bitch night. Luckily all clouds cleared at the very end of the night when a guy came to pick up takeout with a towel around his neck telling me that he had just gotten out of the gym. When I pointed out that there are no gyms within walking distance and that his car was in the parking lot, so he probably could have left the towel in there, he reiterated that he had just left the gym and he needed the towel to absorb all of his sweat. So thanks, takeout guy, for ending my day on a high note. I am unfortunately serious.


One Response to “how i almost got died today via poison.”

  1. Scott June 28, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    sounds like you need a career change. I love my job! but it’s more like a hobby i get paid to do. cool right?!

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