Hamburger Harry’s it is!!! (plus harry’s shitty taste in dress shoes.)

26 Jun

So since you were all so overwhelmingly enthusiastic and only like 3 people gave me their opinions, I’ve decided to make an executive decision to go with Hamburger Harry’s for the next pop-up. I just feel like it’s the most “us,” don’t you?

I can’t be bothered with details like a date and time and place, and I’m not the biggest fan in the world of “I squeezed some buns at Hamburger Harry’s….” so we’ll consider it a work in progress for now, but you should know a few things that I’ve already decided:

1. There will be a Pick-Your-Pickle bar. I don’t know what this means, but it will be there. I’m assuming there will be quite a few varieties of traditional pickles, as well as some pickled other stuff.

2. That’s all. I haven’t decided anything else. It’s pretty pathetic, but I’ve got other stuff to worry about such as what shoes I’m going to wear to the wedding I’m going to on Sunday.

Oh, let’s discuss this wedding. I feel like I need to prepare you for the interesting evening to come. If I were an advanced blogger, I would draw you a simple family tree of sorts and all sorts of diagrams and shit like that and publish them so you could have a nice visual of the evening ahead of me. Instead I’ll provide you with an entirely written version. Sorry I’m not crafty. Here are the key facts:

  • Harry is the best man. He bullied Jimmy (the groom) into having all the guys in the wedding party wear patent leather Chuck Taylors. That’s my guy! Can’t go one night without wearing sneakers! He brought them home and let me tell you, those fuckers look like MISERY ON A SOLE. I’m either going to be an amazing wife and bring flip flops or a mediocre wife and bring scrunch socks as though we’re attending a Bar Mitzvah in the 90s or a regular wife and bring nothing but listen to him complain or, most likely, I’ll just be myself, and smack him shouting “I told you so” in his face every time he whimpers or asks for a BandAid to put on his blisters. I might even flick him in the nipple after I say that, just for shits and giggles.
  • I am planning on being drunk before I arrive. I just feel like I deserve it, you know? Mommy needs a stiff one. Seriously, do you know the last time I drank? I don’t mean like a glass of wine, because that was 2 nights ago. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten good and tipsy that I’ve never even sent a drunk text, I’ve only made phone calls. Harry and I already negotiated the driving situation and here’s how it will work – Harry can drink just enough to loosen up for his speech (which he won’t let me write even though I’d clearly win him some sort of best man of the year award or something) and then he has to stop drinking after the speech is over. I get to drink from before the wedding to after the wedding. That’s the deal. We shook on it. What will actually happen? My mommy and daddy will drive us home and pay the babysitter and tuck us in.
  • My work husband will also be there. So will Charlie and Nicole. We are going to dance to Mr. Brightside. I know this because I told Jimmy that he had to play it at his wedding or I would fire him. That’s the best part about a work wedding when you’re the boss. It’s sort of like you’re more special than the groom or the bride! Me, Charlie, Nicole and Ryan are going to have some sort of good time. The last time the four of us hung out for a night I woke up in a heart shaped bed in some motel in Pennsylvania next to a guy wearing a wetsuit. No wait, that wasn’t them… but it was me….
  • Our resident “Mom” waitress is bringing her hot husband. Seeing as Harry will be occupied with best manly responsibilities, I will be forced to dance with him. Just kidding, because Nicole would never allow that. She’s very protective over him and says that if anyone is going to flirt with the hot dad it’s gonna be her. I don’t think she’s kidding and I do believe she would throw elbows and possibly fists if I tested her. Plus if I have to choose one man to dance with other than my husband (who I’m assuming will be otherwise occupied doing things like cutting the groom’s steak and pouring him beers and carrying his train and shit like that) it would be Charlie of course!
  • My dress may or may not be too short. I just felt like the single most important role for the best man is to have a hot bitch on his arm. I went shopping for the occasion and I found this dress that’s like the perfect combination between a Floridian MILF in the 1980s and a Cabbage Patch Kid outfit. I can’t figure out why they only included half the fabric they were supposed to, but it’s a festive frock and I’m going to do my damn best to not expose my lady parts and/or Spanx.
  • My parents and Harry’s parents are going. This is unfortunate, because I will probably disappoint both moms eternally with my slutbag dress and drunken antics. Luckily, their expectations are probably pretty low at this point. I mean, if I were my kid I’d personally be proud as hell because I’m so fucking beautiful, talented and intelligent. But I guess I’m just being biased.

Poetry Tuesday! Tonight, a haiku to delight the senses!

Fuck 9-5.

My nights are empty

Without Gay Asian Waiter

And Nicole at work.

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One Response to “Hamburger Harry’s it is!!! (plus harry’s shitty taste in dress shoes.)”

  1. Scott June 27, 2012 at 8:57 am #

    just be careful at the wedding, sometimes the bride and groom can be a lil sensitive. you don’t want any regrets 😉

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