shit my babygirl needs to know.

22 Jun

Tonight I was going to write about how disturbing it is to see teenage girls with exposed side boobs and tweens wearing sheer tank tops and large Tory Burch totes hanging off a gel manicured, Hermes bracelet clad, limp wrist, but I really think it’s pretty obvious that this is not ok.

Instead I’m going to make a list for my babygirl, because one day she will speak in sentences, and then she will be able to write her own name in crayon, and eventually she will be able to read. So I figured that I should probably start working on an instructional manual for her, because if she’s gonna be hanging out with the side boobs and the Tory Burch 10-year-olds, she’s really gonna need it.

Here ya go, babygirl. In no particular order. Some keys to the kingdom.

1. The Great Gatsby, Harry Potter, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory and Charlotte’s Web were all books before they were movies. Please never forget this. Nothing pisses your mommy off more than hearing people talk about great literary works in terms of the film version, and not being aware that before it was a blockbuster, it was a book. Also please watch Jeopardy voluntarily and don’t worry about being smarter than everyone else you know. It runs in the family.

2. Your cool jeans will someday be mom jeans. You are always going to think that your new jeans are like totally the best, and maybe they are right now. But no matter what Calvin Klein says, there is no such thing as a timeless jean. Today I threw on a pair of my favorites and as I zipped them up and sighed about how great they make my ass look, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “What the fuck jeans are these?” I yelled at my reflection, “They must have fallen out of a “donate” bag.” Um, no. These were, in fact, my favorite jeans as recently as 1 year ago. I can’t figure out how this is possible. The ass pockets are as big as a legal size piece of paper. The “low-rise” comes to my belly button. They are worse mom jeans than my mom wears. And the saddest thing is that I can’t wait until fall jeans season arrives so I can wear them ’cause they’re sooooo comfy! In other words, don’t make fun of your mommy’s pants. That will someday be your tush.

3. A woman’s place is in the home. Hahahahahhaha just kidding. Take a look around mommy’s unused kitchen. Don’t let anyone tell you that takeout is not an acceptable form of food. Go out and do whatever it is you want to do. These days you appear to want to be a hockey player. Go for it! Kids pretty much raise themselves these days. You really don’t need to do much except give them an iPad and organic milk, so you’re good to go do whatever.

4. Men are jerks. This tidbit was passed down from your Mimi (my mommy) and it is the greatest thing she ever taught me. Because even though there might be some exceptions, (not that I’ve found any other than your daddy, who is only a slightly occasional jerk and your Grandpas who are accidental jerks) you go into every relationship with significantly lowered expectations, and that will prove convenient and save your lots of frustration. Is it fair that boys get an automatic excuse for every stupid thing they do? No. But they’re so cute, so we give them a free pass.

5. Never ever ever pair a short skirt with a low-cut shirt. I know some people are going to tell you that less is more, but this does not apply to clothing. Please don’t confuse accessories and clothes. Dressing like you’re at some sort of porn convention can only lead to trouble.

6. Wearing a thong as a necklace becomes inappropriate once you reach school age. It’s sooooo cute that you do it now, but you’re gonna need to stop soon. In fact, please stay away from thongs until you are at least 30 years old. I promise, it is totally alright for people to know that you’re wearing underwear. Here’s a little secret: They are too!

7. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Except chocolate. And ranch dressing. And really good pancakes with melty butter. And biscuits. And birthday cake. Please never ever deprive yourself of something delicious because you might be bloated the next day (unless you’ve entered a bodybuilding competition or the Miss American Pageant or the Olympics, in which case you should limit your intake somewhat because you made a commitment and should most definitely follow through).

8. Dishwashers are people too. 

9.  Learn to waitress and bartend, then get out of the restaurant business. Honestly, babygirl? It’s 12am and I just ate dinner. Now I’m going to be up all night with heartburn and regret.

10. Never be too good for Sears. Sure, it’s nice to go shopping at Bloomies, but sometimes Sears is where it’s at! Can you buy a ride-on mower or Kardashian Kollection at Bloomingdales? Nope. And you also can’t have your portrait taken or pay your Discover bill. Be flexible enough to shop, eat and play wherever you find yourself, and the world will be your oyster!

Ok babygirl. Even though you still haven’t had a haircut yet ever in your entire life, and the only color you know is blue and you wear feet pajamas like a superman cape every morning for 2 hours, I think you’re officially ready to face the world…


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