fuck you, yelp. there’s a new review in town.

13 Jun

Something that’s totally not fun about the restaurant business is reading bad Yelp reviews about yourself. Like, I get it. Sometimes you have a bad experience somewhere. It happens to me all the fucking time, not just at restaurants, but at clothing stores, on vacation, during conversations with Harry, on the phone with the Verizon lady… but I like to typically give these institutions one free pass before I publicly (and with improper grammar) judge the entire operation as a failure on the one instance (except with Harry – if he’s wrong about something I won’t let it go for weeks, even months, at a time). Seriously what is up with the liberties that people have taken in these reviews? (“they sat us in their private dining room and the decor was sparse,”  “we walked in on a Friday night and had to wait,” “FOLKS WERE NICE BUT BORDERLINE CREEPY”) If your standards are that high, then you need to stay home and provide that sort of food and service for yourself. Because in this lazy ass world in which we live, it is FUCKING HARD for every single second of the day to go according to plan. Yes. It is true. Sometimes we run out of mashed potatoes. But we try our best to make it up for it, so why do we have to be crucified for all the world (wide web) to see? Oh, and way to be passive aggressive by making your name “JLoLovr” instead of Joanne Schwartz of Dix Hills. Insults definitely pack more of a punch when they’re anonymous. I, too, have got some pretty big balls while using a false identity.

Clearly I’m frustrated about this situation. I’m working on rectifying it (writing sappy and apologetic responses to my brutal critics, offering them wine and shit like that so that basically they’ll retract their statement and sing my praises) but in the meantime I’ve decided to develop my own new website (and Android/iPhone/iPad app), mirroring the darling Yelp that has provided me with so much positive feedback.

It’s called REVELP.COM (although “areyoufuckingkiddingme.com” will also direct you to the site) and here’s how it works: Every person has a listing. And on that listing, you can get information about the said person, such as whether they’re trendy/romantic/good with kids/loud/worth it. And then, when the person patronizes a business, the business owner can then review the customer, based of course on a 5 diamond system (because everyone should be reduced to a certain number of diamonds, don’t you think?) and write some choice words about why they either recommend or do not recommend him/her. And the best part is that you get to come up with a quirky little title so everyone can see how punny you are!! Thanks to REVELP.COM, we can work business-to-business to eliminate the most irritating of customers and make sure that the great folks get applauded for not totally sucking.

I know…you’re upset that you didn’t come up with it first. Reverse Yelp….REVELP.COM

Right now you’re probably skeptical, because anyone can write about you, so the random people in your life who have judged you too quickly can write spiteful and cruel and completely untrue things about you, even though they don’t even know you or what you’re all about at all. Yeah. Welcome to my world.

So without further interruption, I bring you the very first REVELP.COM reviews, based on all people I encountered in the past 24 hours:

  • Dude who brings all his dates to the bar – TOTALLY OVERRATED – ♦◊ – I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, but he is nothing to shout about in the looks department. He shows up late every single time he’s meeting a chick, and the first thing he does is look at her tits. He’s a cheap tipper, and one time he went down on a girl in front of the bartender. NOT CLASSY. Stay away from this guy unless you’re looking for an STD and stiff drink and a mediocre time.
  • Lady who ordered takeout before the restaurant was even open today – CHECK YOUR CRAZY PROBLEMS AT THE DOOR –  – Lady. Next time you order one salad and ask for extra dressing, please do not call and bitch me out when you get home and find only two things of dressing. I am not a mind reader. I do not know that your friends are coming over and are all splitting the salad and that you need 6 extra dressings. I can’t tell that you are addicted to my house dressing and put it on your pancakes in the morning and in your Sleepytime tea at night while I’m talking to you on the phone. Serve this bitch with caution.
  • Husband and wife cantor team – WORTH THE CONVERSATION! – ♦ – Out of all the people that we sold french fries to tonight, these two were the most pleasant. They asked appropriate questions about the menu, thanked the server as though she was an actual human being and not a piece of poo on the ground, ate what they ordered without even sending it back to the kitchen and kept a smile on their face the whole time. Make sure you treat these folks well!
  • The dude who was gonna book a party – DISAPPOINTING – ◊ – This guy seems to have gotten some decent reviews on here, but I really can’t figure out why. He’s totally all talk! Don’t try to quote him on a party because he’ll want everything for free, threatening that the shitty Italian place down the street can do it for less.

LEGEND: 

◊ – This person is a waste of your time. 

◊ – Show potential, but usually leaves you feeling disappointed.

◊ – You can live with the flaws, because this person is pretty cool. 

◊ – This person doesn’t suck very much at all.

♦ – A special person to the max!

POETRY TUESDAY (even though it’s after midnight and technically Wednesday)

A LIMERICK REVELP.COM REVIEW!

There once was a customer Fred

Who didn’t eat any white bread

So we got him whole wheat

Which he said smelled like feet

And now we ignore him instead.

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3 Responses to “fuck you, yelp. there’s a new review in town.”

  1. jeff gross June 13, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    Great! I’d say that you could give up your day job but your day job provides the material for your blog…the proverbial double-edged sword…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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