how to eat cold cuts whilst viewing a circumcision.

11 Jun

As a Jew, it is customary to provide pastrami and/or lox at the birth, death or Bar Mitzvah of every boy and girl. And last night, the Bris of one of my good ole camp friend’s baby boy was no exception.

The best thing about yesterday’s Bris was that the baby was having trouble getting drunk and numb on Manischevitz so instead of the ceremony happening before the festive meal, we got to eat first. Just kidding. It was the cute baby and his proud parents. Just kidding again! The best part about yesterday’s Bris was that in addition to the standard rye, macaroni salad, lean corned beef spread, there was AN ENTIRE TOTALLY AWESOME DESSERT BUFFET!!! That’s what I opted for, obviously, because I figured that if I only ate dessert for dinner, then when it got later and we had the inevitable dinner #2 that Harry and I are so talented at consuming, I wouldn’t feel quite as guilty.

So I loaded my plate with a glorious 8 chocolate chip cookies, 19 rainbow cookies, 3 chocolate meringues, (the fact that they’re made of egg whites makes me feel like they’re way too healthy) and 195 “oreo truffles,” some genius invention where you grind up oreo cookies, combine them with cream cheese and cover them in chocolate. There was a fruit platter but let’s face it, when you’ve got that many confections (which, may I add, were all made by the proud paternal grandma) at your disposal, who is going to waste their time with honeydew?


orgasmic oreo balls. should be illegal. stay tuned to shelbytown for an official recipe. we can all enjoy the balls together!

After the Bris, Harry and I did in fact enjoy a fried chicken dinner and mini strawberry meringue pie. I know you were worried that I’d filled up on the platter of baked goods (and Harry on the 8 half-sandwiches and 3 pounds of potato salad that he snacked on) but we both digested the Bris stuff really quick and were definitely successful for dinner #2.

In celebration of my friend Bari’s babyboy and his injured and exploited penis, here is a list of my personal favorite phallic foods:

1. Rocket Pops (the red white and blue popsicles. Is that what they’re called?) or Jello Puddin’ Pops

2. Corndogs

3. Chocolate Covered Frozen Bananas (with nuts)

4. Corn on the cob

(Can I interrupt myself to point out how these can all be found at State Fairs???)

5. A Freshly Baked Baguette

6. Watermelon Ring Pop (feel bad for that guy’s wife….)

7. King Size Tootsie Roll 

8. Carrots (with dip such as hummus, ranch dressing or french onion soup mix tossed with sour cream)

9. TGI Friday’s Breadsticks (they have to be fresh though, otherwise they get really hard and in this particular circumstance, you’re better off with it being soft)

10. New Pickles (those are the ones that taste just like cucumbers. Yum!!!)

In other news, what the fuck is up with Manishevitz? Why can’t someone who works there speak up and mention that it tastes so nasty and that nobody wants to get drunk at a ceremony on all that sucky sugar? I don’t know, call me crazy, but I think life would be better if cheap kosher wine didn’t taste like fruit punch. Then again, it makes really good sangria.

In more other news, one of the guys who married one of my camp friends is good buddies with a dude who stole my lamp in college. (We took a class together, we were studying in my apartment, yada yada yada, he was running down the street holding my toucan lamp, never to be seen again) I mentioned the situation to him in hopes that my bird lamp will resurface, because it really goes with the decor in my kid’s room like totally well. Plus it’s like vintage at this point.


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