the official shelbytown FIELD GUIDE TO WAITERS (part 3)

8 Jun

Over the past few nights we’ve been exploring the various types of waiters that you might find yourself flagging down to get a refill on your coffee. Tonight, five more wonderful waiters and their most distinguishing traits. But first, a review of the first ten:

  1. the boomerang
  2. the serial dater
  3. the weed dealer
  4. the Jappy college student
  5. the recently financially independent college student
  6. the spanish guy who got promoted from busboy
  7. the shift hijacker
  8. the shift extinguisher
  9. the lifer
  10. the occasionally emotionally unstable rock

OK, let us continue…..

11. The Cougar Hunter – This kid was a too skinny and social misfit when he got to high school so he got an after school job bussing tables at a restaurant and he started going to the gym with his buddies, because his time wasn’t consumed with things like girls and parties. This led to a major boost in self-confidence and now he walks around the restaurant with his arms bulging out of his shirt telling every female employee or customer over 40 that she looks hot in her capri pants and asking them if they want to go to Chili’s for drinks after work. As a result of the highly mediocre treatment he received by girls his own age, he now rebels by bedding every mature woman he can get his hands on – and there are many. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t enjoy when there’s a good Cougar Hunter around. First of all, I’m getting up there in years and being hit on by a little hottie makes me feel young again. And second, all the old bag waitresses who generally look like shit really start taking more pride in their appearance. And looks are everything. The Cougar Hunter’s uniform is wrinkled every single day. If you call him to pick up a shift in a pinch, he will decline, but roll over and ask the 50-year-old bartender if she can do it.

12. The Owner’s Friend’s Kid – Occasionally these kids are top notch employees who truly care about the business, come to work on time and live up to their parents’ gloating. OK, that’s actually never happened. Frankly, they’re lazy – I mean, come on. Their parents had to get them a job. They come to work 5 minutes late every single shift but their parents come for dinner every single time they work and spend boatloads of money so it’s ok. The owner’s friend’s kid has little common sense and they meddle in your business because they think they’re privy to family-sensitive information, but there’s nothing you can really do about any of it because you don’t want to do anything to spoil the owner’s relationship. Some friends know their kids are slow/ugly/obnoxious/lazy but others put on the blinders. You want to suggest to some of these people that their kid might be better suited at a far more equal opportunity employer, but instead you’re stuck with them until they quit/get arrested/get off of academic probation and go back to Wisconsin. The owner’s friend’s kid wears white socks with his black uniform everyday even though you have told him 35 times to stop. You don’t call the owner’s friend’s kid to come in if you’re in a pinch because it’s essentially the same as having nobody there.

13. The Owner’s Kid’s Friend – This server has pretty decent work ethic, because the owner’s kid isn’t gonna settle for some loser who doesn’t care about the place. But they also know how to have a good time. The owner’s kid’s friend and the owner’s kid have been known to break into the restaurant after hours and make chocolate chip pancakes, setting off the burglar alarm in the process. Over the years, the owner’s kid’s friend has become totally comfortable in the building, and no longer does useless things like side work and paying for food and wearing the correct uniform. If the owner’s kid’s friend messes up an order and it gets sent back to the kitchen, he eats it outside before it can even get cold. Sometimes it’s really hard to be the owner’s kid’s friend because they don’t get all the gossip that everyone else gets, such as who is looking for a new job and who’s stealing liquor, because they know at this point that he’s the house tattletale. But then again, the perks of being the owner’s kid’s friend (free booze, perfect schedule, big spenders) far outweigh missing out on a little gossip. The owner’s kid’s friend made up his own uniform a few years ago, but it works so you don’t say anything. You don’t need to call the owner’s kid’s friend to pick up a shift in a pinch because the owner’s kid is already on the phone with him, and she’ll just ask him herself.

14. The Summer Help – These guys are usually nerds, because a smart manager will hire the summer applicant who diligently applies in March during spring break. So the Cancun spring breakers who would typically be more fun to work with but are busy getting laid and sunburnt get passed over for pale virgins who play the viola and go to animated movies in costume at midnight on opening night. The summer help can’t work Monday through Friday during lunch because they’re taking summer classes at community college so that they stay fresh in the cranium. As the summer progresses, they start socializing with the Jappy College Student, the Weed Dealer and the Recently Financially Independent College Student, and suddenly they’re covered in tattoos, switching their major to performance art and drinking a bottle of wine before they can even get out of bed in the morning. If you call the Summer Help in a pinch before July 4th weekend, they’ll be there in an instant. But anytime after that they’ll be laying hungover on the beach waiting until the sun sets again so they can get the party started again.

15. The Cat Lady – A self described spinster, the cat lady just can’t find a man ever since the late 80s when she split up from her husband. She busies herself by perpetuating clearly false rumors about her fellow coworkers and feeding stray cats in the back of the parking lot on her lunch breaks. She is a chain smoker, loves herself a stiff drink and is a complete bitch to customers who don’t pay her the respect that she’s due. If there’s a handsome middle aged man in the house, she develops a sort of swagger in the ass region that is only matched by the best of burlesque dancers. The Cat Lady always has a clean apron and freshly applied lipstick. If you call her in a pinch to pick up a shift she will complain that she has far too much to do to, and that if we absolutely cannot find anyone else then she guesses she’ll come in.

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