the official shelbytown FIELD GUIDE TO WAITERS (part 2).

6 Jun

Last night we discussed some classic server types that you might find serving your jambalaya. Tonight I bring you numbers 6-10, no less significant than the others.

6. The Spanish Guy Who Got Promoted From Busboy – This amigo shakes every guy’s hand when they walk in for dinner with their family, and they all know his name, his kids’ names and where he works during the day. He got a promotion because the manager was tired of watching him do everyone else’s work in addition to his own. He works six nights a week, drinks a protein shake before and after his shift and loves when new young waitresses come to work at the place. Nobody quite understands him when he’s giving the night’s specials, but they give him an “A” for effort and enthusiasm. He started at the restaurant knowing 3 words in English, and now owns a Porsche, two houses for all of his uncles and cousins to reside in, three jet skis and a vacation house in Lake George. You can’t call him to pick up a shift in a pinch because he’s already there.

7. The Shift Hijacker – No matter how full this waitress’s schedule is, she’s on the phone Monday morning asking random people if they want to take off the next afternoon. She’s not necessarily in dire straits like The Recently Financially Independent 21-Year-Old, but she always needs cash for something – maybe a trip to Daytona or a big lawyer bill from her most recent DUI. She’s skilled in the art of subtle guilt, and has an arsenal of area events on hand to entice other employees out of their shifts. She’s been known to “have extra” concert tickets on a Saturday night just so she can pick up a big party. If you call the Shift Hijacker to pick up a shift in a pinch, she will come right in, as she sometimes sleeps in her car outside the restaurant “just in case.”

8. The Shift Extinguisher – This waiter is the Shift Hijacker’s wet dream. It’s sort of a mystery why he applied for the job, because he never ever wants to be there. He has created excuses for not coming in to work that you never thought were possible. These include emergency surgery after a botched Botox procedure, an electrical fire and simultaneous flood in his basement and that he has to go bail his cousin out of jail in Riviera Maya. If it snows you can bet your ass that his driveway will be the only one in town with a slope so severe that it’s impossible to get a car in or out of it, especially a taxi. Because, of course, this guy doesn’t have a car. This guy wears a 6-year-old faded and stained shirt and non-slip shoes with the soles coming off because he honestly doesn’t give a shit. If you call the Shift Extinguisher to pick up a shift in a pinch, his phone will go straight to voicemail, and the mailbox will be full.

9. The Lifer – This waiter is married to a teacher, and therefore doesn’t have to worry about things like benefits or a steady income. He loves his job because he gets to tell all kinds of people about his side businesses, taxidermy art and cake pops. He takes orders with a server book that’s embossed with his name in gold which is his prized possession. His kids bought it for him seven Father’s Days ago. The lifer has worked the same exact schedule for over a decade, so you don’t even bother calling him if you need someone in a pinch.

10. The Occasionally Emotionally Unstable Rock – This waitress does her side work better than anyone in the history of the restaurant, including the person who created it in the beginning. No shortcuts for this chick – she cleans the trash can with Soft Scrub at the end of every shift. She has her uniform dry cleaned so that she looks perfect and prepared to do the best possible job she can. But that’s only for 3 weeks out of the month. On the last week, (you know it’s arrived because she will stop wearing makeup or brushing her hair) she turns into a schizophrenic asswad. If a fellow server dares skip an item on the side work checklist, she will tattletale on him and then kick the shit out of him and then cry in the bathroom for 45 minutes. She can go from giggling and skipping through the restaurant to screaming and slamming the chef’s foot in the men’s room door in a matter of seconds. The trigger? A customer asked for extra dressing and then when she got to the table another customer asked for a refill. If you call the Occasionally Emotionally Unstable Rock to pick up a shift in a pinch and she’s got her period, she will lecture you about your lack of respect towards people’s plans. You’ll regret calling her in the first place, and unfortunately she’ll be at work in twenty minutes.

Tomorrow night we’ll explore Waiters 11-15, including the Owner’s Friend’s Kid, the Owner’s Kid’s Friend and the Summer Help. See you then!

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One Response to “the official shelbytown FIELD GUIDE TO WAITERS (part 2).”

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  1. shelbytown - June 8, 2012

    […] the spanish guy who got promoted from busboy […]

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