Do you think a hit man would barter?

5 Jun

People come into your life for all different reasons. Some teach you dance moves, and others lead you to treasure. And some tell you secrets and many change your heart. Oh, and there are some who just totally fucking suck (but give you good perspective and make you appreciate what’s good even more).

An altercation with one such person got me really really upset tonight, and my mom AND Harry were out of town so I didn’t want to bother them so I kept it all in and then yada yada yada I threw the phone down and ran outside crying. And any other supportive family, the Monday night staff came to my emotional rescue:

The Sous Chef came outside immediately to make sure I was ok. Did he sense that I really needed someone to rub my back (in a completely non-erotic way… get your mind out of the gutter, his wife reads this shit) and just listen and say everything will be alright? Or did he just want the juicy gossip, essentially as it was happening? I would say it’s a 50/50 split. Besides, what’s one more piece of gossip about little ole’ me? We all know it will make a really good blog post when it turns into its usual game of Telephone.

When I came back inside one of the waitresses handed me her iPhone, all loaded up with a sneak peak at the first ten minutes of Pretty Little Liars that isn’t even airing until TOMORROW!  Nothing says “Hey, relax girl, life isn’t so bad” like a snippet of brand spankin’ new ABC Family teenager programming.
Then Nicole made me a not-too-big-so-I-hate-life-even-more chocolate milkshake that was like 85% chocolate syrup and 15% ice cream and was lumpy and just perfect perfect perfect. She reads my Chocolate Milkshake Mind. This was after telling me that if I didn’t feel like staying at work that she would close for me. Oh, and she took my step kid off the bus for me today.

By the end of the night, and thanks to my work family, I had calmed down quite a bit, assessed my situation and come to the conclusion that I either need to hire a hit man or a lawyer to improve things. (The grill guy, like the protective Guatemalan brother that he is, told me he knew a guy. Didn’t ask him to specify which.) I can’t decide what side of the law I prefer to be on, because I’m not sure which one is more cost and time effective. It’s like, I can’t put a hit man on a credit card and get miles. That’s like a huge drawback. But lawyers can really drag things out sometimes, and that’s ineffective use of my retainer. But if I get caught hiring someone for murder, I’ll probably need a lawyer anyway and then I’ll have to pay two people instead of one. Maybe to protect myself financially now I’ll see if I can hire a hit man who’ll barter. I’ve never assessed a person’s life in how many pulled pork sliders they’re worth, but I guess now’s as good a time as ever…

Author’s note: If anyone who I know dies in the next EVER, kindly note that I did not hire a hit man to kill him/her.


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