the vagina monoblogs.

23 May

Yesterday I went to the Lady Doctor for my yearly visit and since my regular doc broke his leg delivering a baby (just kidding?) I was forced to see his fill-in, Dr. Cassanova. Is this truly his real name? I have no idea. Is it what he refers to himself as? Yes, it is. Do I think it’s his Vagina-rific stage name? A little bit. Was he Latin? Si, senoritas. Was he wearing a black shirt and black tie and black pants and did he sound like Antonio Banderas but look like a MonChiChi? Absolutely! Did he use said Antonio Banderas voice to tell me that “I will now bring my lovely assistant and we will examine you!” and a sequin-clad Portuguese gypsy-nurse shimmied in to hand him the necessary tools? Essentially. Did I get felt up and invaded by Zorro yesterday? Sometimes that’s just the way it goes.

Anyway that’s neither here nor there.

After inspecting all of my orifices, Dr. Zorro asked me if there’s anything peculiar going on with my body.

“I have an ear infection and I can’t stop gaining weight.”

“How much weight?”

“Five pounds. Ten, tops. But I have this pregnancy-like area here that was never around before except when I was actually preggers.”

“Hmmm..have your exercise habits recently changed?”

“No. I never exercised and that hasn’t changed.”

He and his circus freak of an assistant scoffed at me. “Well we both know that you need to exercise.”

“I have a very active job.”

“I’m sure you do. What are you doing to try and lose weight?”

“I’ve been layering Spanx.”

And that’s when I decided that I should probably stop eating five meals a day. So far, my diet has consisted of the following:

  • DAY 1:  Drank lots of water for breakfast. Got a 3 pound salad at Whole Foods for lunch (I think the girl fucked up weighing it because how is it possible that I took $7 more than Harry? I mean come on man.) which consisted of kale, quinoa, eggplant, curry chicken and some other boring-ass healthy stuff. Went to Costco but didn’t try any of the samples. Bought a 90 unit box of high fiber brownies. Ate one before we got home because my kale salad was NASTY and I needed to kill the taste. Turns out high fiber brownies are nothing to shout about either. Went to my father-in-law’s farewell dinner. Felt obligated to order the 4 course price fix because I’m a Jew and I can’t turn away a good deal. Justified it by skipping butter with my bread and sharing my dessert with Riley.
  • DAY 2: Ate healthy cereal and didn’t dilute my skim milk with whole milk like I usually do. Drank shit tons of water. Had an omelette for lunch without toast or potatoes which was like sailing without water or sunshine. But I added some salsa, and made a vow to put that stuff on anything I eat until I reach my goal weight of 79 pounds. This includes the chocolate chip pancakes that I will inevitably make by the week’s end. For dinner I had self serve frozen yogurt, and tonight instead of my yogurt to fruit topping to dry topping to wet topping ratio being 1:0:7:8 it was more like 3:2:1:0!!! And I only spent $35 dollars! I drank so much water today that in the twelve minutes it’s taken me to write this post, I’ve had to pee seventeen times. So long water weight!!! Rockin’ the diet already…

As far as exercise, because Dr. Cassanova was SO INSISTENT that I do some, I did 2 reps of fifteen pushups (once in the morning and once at night) and I lifted 35 party chairs without asking for help and I parked at the furthest spot in the lot at Trader Joe’s when I went to get my salsa. Oh and I jumped for joy for at least an hour when I found out that Pretty Little Liars comes back on in a couple of weeks and there’s a show called Nashville that’s starting in September. That has to be good for a few calories burned. Just in case that’s not enough, on Monday I’m gonna go 2-steppin’ with a friend. Ride ’em cowboy!

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