how to be a memorable customer (but in a bad way so be forewarned).

17 May

In case you’re looking to leave a lasting impression the next time you go out for lunch or dinner, here are some sincerely original ideas for you to implement. And by original, I mean that we’re so tired of people like you and you bother the shit out of us (especially #12!). Unless you’re hot/family/a fantastic tipper/a magician/that really nice family of tall people who are always inappropriately chipper. Then you can do all of these things (except #12!) and we won’t hold it against you.

  1. Excitedly coo “oooooooh!!” when I dim the lights. This is completely not required. The romance is not intended directly for you so you don’t have to directly react.
  2. Call the owner the wrong name. For instance, my name is not Shelly. Nor is it Michelle.
  3. Come in every week like clockwork and order the same exact thing every time, but always ask for the specials “just in case.” This is especially irritating on a busy Saturday night when your server could really use that extra 45 seconds to make an espresso or pee. On second thought, I actually think it’s a good idea for you to keep doing it. Because one day we’re going to run your usual dish as a special just to make your decision more challenging.
  4. Berate the owner in front of the entire staff. Whoever told the woman today to scream in my face over extra shrimp instead of extra chicken and not let me apologize and make good on it was really really really mean and just so you know you made me cry.
  5. Order the Asian Calamari if you’re Asian. I don’t know, I’m just not one for irony. Plus, there’s always going to be some awkwardness, especially because Charlie is 100% going to be your server. Because if I didn’t put every Asian and/or Gay in Charlie’s station, life would be no fun at all.
  6. Ask me to scoop your roll if you’re Jewish. Again with the irony. Speaking of Charlie and Jews, he will happily scoop your bun, because he’s totally down with The Tribe.
  7. Have your 17 year old order off the kid’s menu. Rule of thumb in life: if your kid isn’t a virgin, they need more sustenance than 2 chicken fingers and 14 french fries and a Shirley Temple with a lid.
  8. Mispronounce Gorgonzola. Goddansola. Gondonzoga. Gonnzana. Like I could see if it were 1987 and like the only cheeses that were available to the world were Velveeta and American and Swiss and Cream. But come on. We’re like this fancy ass society with a palate for Acai berries and Starbucks and Artisan Breads. Learn how to pronounce your damn cheeses.
  9. Steal the servers’ tips. The other night Things 1 & 2 were serving a party and had 2 $10 bills sitting inside the server station. Thing 1 noticed a guy creeping around that general vicinity and when she walked over, the money was gone. She asked him about it, he denied it, but then a few minutes later, he happened to find 2 $10 bills sitting on the bar. Stealing from waitresses, even if it’s temporary, is mad mad mad stupid. Because if you steal from them THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP. Especially Thing 1. And probably also Thing 2.
  10. Be on a blind date with someone who is way too hot for you. Thanks to camera phones that produce pretty high quality photos without the flash, we have a fairly intense compendium of inappropriately matched first dates. Thank you, JDate and for not requiring people to post accurate profile pics!! We owe you one!
  11. Ask where the bathroom is while standing less than 3 feet from it. OK. So here’s how this works. There are four walls in this restaurant. One wall is all windows and one wall is all wall. One wall is mostly window, with a door in the corner. The last wall is kitchen on one side, coat room on the other side, and in the middle is a hallway with a sign that says “RESTROOMS.” Perhaps if you looked up from your iPhone you’d see it.
  12. Let your child “do poopy on the floor” during lunch service. Unfortunately, the answer to the question in your head right now is yes. Fortunately one of my waiters intervened and took him down the impossible-to-find hallway before any mass evacuations were needed. Thanks Jimmy for keeping the shit from hitting the fan.
  13. Call for a reservation without figuring out how many people or what time. Basically you just want me to doodle your name. Because without a time or a party size, there’s really no reso.
  14. Be too good for the garbage can. Whether it’s the Family Size box of Cheerios that your toddler just dumped on the floor or the paper towel that you just weren’t able to sink in the ladies room trashcan, it’s still kinda sorta expected that you’ll retrieve it (to at least some extent). Even though we’re a privately owned entity (and not, let’s say, a park or highway) littering still is not encouraged. Perhaps I’ll set up a closed-circuit camera in the bathrooms and give my dad the job of sitting by a monitor all day, and when some bitch drops her dirty paper towel wherever she feels like, he can press a magic button and lock her inside and insist over the loudspeaker that she clean it up before he’ll free her. I’m honestly just trying to help, my dad really needs a new hobby and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled in life. I’m such a good daughter….
  15. Go Vegan. This is especially annoying if you’re a regular, because I’m not ever ever ever going to cook you tofu and you make me feel so GUILTY about it. Because all Nouveau Vegans are Jewish, or at least on Long Island that’s how it is and Jewish Guilt is like pure, unadulterated, conscience-wrenching disgrace. Plus, Vegans get all preachy and want you to stop using animal byproducts in things and wear shoes that aren’t leather and STOP EATING PIZZA and basically ruin your whole entire life. Worst of all, that black bean dip you’re eating has bacon in it and you’re forcing me to keep terrible terrible secrets from you, because even though you just ruined my life by taking away cheeseburgers, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to ruin the greatest chip dip in the world for you.

Are you excited for tomorrow night’s post to be in all one-syllable words? I sure am! Nothing says “I’m a fucking dweeb” like high school writing exercises implemented into your everyday life!!


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