epic poetry tuesday: regulars, in a rhyming nutshell…

15 May

“The Lunch Regular”

Hi, table for two, and is Shelby here?
I’ve known her and her dad for years
I’ve known her since her big Bat Mitzvah
I also know her mom and sister
What was that, she has a brother?
I’m pretty sure that there’s another….
In any case can you tell her I’m here?
She’ll be so excited, it’s been like a year.
I know that I haven’t been here in awhile,
But funds have been tight since my husband’s big trial.
Oh she can’t talk because she’s ordering liquor?
Well tell her I’m here! She’ll order much quicker!

Excuse me, I really don’t want to be bitchin’
But I really don’t want to be sat near the kitchen.
Shelby knows this, she’ll tell you the truth,
I’ m allergic to anything other than booths.
Oh, a booth isn’t open? I don’t understand,
How you can’t ask them to move. I can give you a hand.
Well I guess if this corner table’s all you’ve got
I’ll give sitting on a chair a shot.
Please don’t forget I know Shelby when you’re pouring my water
And she’ll be really mad if you fuck up my order.

Oh little Shelby, I know her so well,
She’s shy and demure, like a sweet Southern belle.
She waited on tables when she was a teen,
So I knew her back then and the times in-between.
I helped her apply to Syracuse
When she got in I brought Orange juice
I set her up with one of my sons
And the other one when the first son was done.
It didn’t work out I’m so sad to say
I guess it’s perhaps its because Son One was gay
The other one I’m still not sure
But I wish that she were my daughter-in-law
Wait, I didn’t know she got married.
There goes setting my son up with Harry…

Excuse me, Miss, some bread would be great…
Oh that was Shelby? She lost lots of weight!
No? You don’t think so? You say she’s the same?
Well something’s much different since last time we came.
Otherwise I would have known that was her
And not treated her like my little gopher.
Sort of like how I’ve been talking to you
If you were the owner I’d be nice to you, too.

Shelby! My darling! How’s that adorable baby!
And how are mom and dad? Are they working like crazy?
Oh really? Your dad hasn’t worked in five years?
Well that must be nice for your sister to hear.
Are you sure that you don’t have a twin sis?
If it wasn’t your sister then who’d my son kiss?
Oh, that was you? Then he never called back?
After getting you drunk on Patron shots and Jack?
And he wrote nasty things on your Friendster page
About  you being prude and immature for your age?
And you cried for a month and he ruined your life?
But I’m sure that you now make a wonderful wife!

By the way, Shelby, will you honor this coupon?
It expired last year when I bought it on Groupon.
Thanks sugar pie, you’re really a sweetie,
If you didn’t do it I’d suggest that you’re greedy.
I’d say in this business you really don’t get it.
But not to your face, so you don’t have to sweat it.
Goodbye dearest Shelby, tell Dad I say Hi,
I’ll see you real soon, when two more years go by.

“The Bar Regular”

Shelbs! What’s up I sent you a text
I’m so fucking bored and I really need sex.
Can you hook me up with one of your servers?
I’ll be really charming, no need to be nervous.
Even though I bring 30 chicks here a week
It doesn’t mean I’m not a romantic geek.
I just want a girl who drinks a whole lot
And won’t mind either way if I call her or not.
I’m just being honest, and not at all sleazy,
I love it here most ’cause the girls are all easy.
You’re easy to talk to, like one of the guys
Except you have boobs and pretty blue eyes.
And you like me lots ’cause I buy top shelf liquor,
I drink really fast and leave even quicker.
I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m done with today
I’m hitting the next place to try and get laid.

“The Saturday Regular”

(a haiku)


Can we drink for free?

How ’bout an appetizer?

Then please go away.

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One Response to “epic poetry tuesday: regulars, in a rhyming nutshell…”

  1. Lindsey May 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    “The Lunch Regular” hit way to close to LI home for me… made me want to rip the woman’s voice box out of her throat (because you know she had one of THOSE accents) and shove it in her Birken…just saying, you hit the nail on the head… xx.

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