hashbrown harry’s was real, assholes. (also inside: a 100th post contest!!!)

12 May

I have so many things on my mind!!!!!

The past few weeks have been verryyyyy  busy for me, and I’ve felt scatterbrained, disconnected from my beloved blog and generally shitty because my babygirl stopped calling me Mama and started calling me “who the fuck is this chick?”

Well, babygirl, Mama’s back in town.

Ok, fine, Mama’s back in town on Monday. After we spend Mother’s Day apart because instead of brunching with the fam I’ve got to spend the day with everyone else’s irritating mom and kid on the Island, serving them things like Ma-Mosas and Homemade Pop Tarts. Which leads me to the first thing that’s been on my mind….

1. Hashbrown Harry’s was a real thing. Do you not understand after all this time that I am a RIDICULOUS PHENOM JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES???? Not only can I make fabric and/or tissue paper flowers in more than 4 varieties and  kill it with a Spotify list, but I can also play the viola  and fix a broken toilet/computer/heart/leg (not really, but I’m glad you’re paying attention)/earring. So  with all that under my belt,  you can bet your ass I can open (and close) a restaurant with eggshell candles and bacon infused Manhattans  for a night. Why the doubt? Because maybe most of the shit you read is like fiction or whatever, and the author maybe writes some stuff that could feasibly be true but you know that there’s no way that in real life she lets her husband tie her hands to her feet behind her and write Shakespeare quotes with a quill and ink on her throbbing abdomen. Well in my real life I make my husband cook local eggs. All this dirty talk is making me think of something else….

2. 50 Shades of Grey started out as a blog. It was all written on a Blackberry or something. So I’ve decided to take my blog from “occasionally inappropriate” to “so out of line you’re embarrassed to even admit that you read it.” Startinggggggggggg……………………….. now. Fine, starting tomorrow. I’m wearing an old camp sweatshirt and sweatpants with holes and I haven’t shaved my legs in a few days. I’m just not feeling overly provocative. Maybe I can focus on other people instead. Hmmm… I wonder how many of my customers have crazy kinky sex. I wonder which of them don’t have sex at all. I wonder which double dates end in foursomes, and which ones end in a swapping sort of thing. Perhaps I should make some sort of comment card where people can anonymously (or even not anonymously. let’s really get crazy!) let me know how many times they’ve each performed oral sex in, let’s say, the past month. And who they’re really thinking about when they’re giving/receiving it. And then I can compile the comment cards and write an expose on the sex lives of desperate Long Island housewives and househusbands. Plus it will probably come in handy because…..

3. I started a Twitter account for the restaurant tonight. I’ve decided to become like the Gossip Girl of the area and instead of writing what’s new on the menu and “book now for grad parties!” and shit like that, I’ll write what people really care about. Like who just got a face lift and which recent divorcee showed up with his new leggy girlfriend and who’s a cheap tipper and who was trying to bed my underage waitress and maybe, just maybe, I’ll throw in the daily specials (prob not). And of course there will be a sexy soundtrack with songs by Billy Currington and Bruno Mars and I’ll take secret snapshots from underneath tables (not in a perv way, freak, just to get a cool angle on people) and let the whole town know what dirty little secrets are lurking around every corner.  Oh wait. Nobody knows who Gossip Girl really is, do they? So people can’t be mean to her and hurt her feelings by calling her a bitch or smack her across the face really really hard. Fuck. I’ll have to rethink my approach a touch.

4. If I don’t see Bruno Mars and Billy Currington live in concert soon I’m literally going to perish. I just like literally can’t listen to their songs without losing part of my soul for never having seen them live. Is it possible to die from amplifier deprivation? I’ll let you know. Or actually, Harry will let you know because I’m assuming that he’ll have to be the one to break the news to all of you that I’m dead and like all the funeral arrangements and whatever. Oh, and if I die, and it turns out Harry really wasn’t paying attention to me all the times I accused him and he denied it, I’d like the song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” played on repeat for the duration, except the end and then I want the version of “Hotel California” from the movie The Big Lebowski to play. Obv.

5. Speaking of dead Shelbys…. So sad about Carroll Shelby. I totally need to own one of his cars. IT SAYS MY NAME REALLY BIG. Now I just feel like I’ve officially failed in life because I really wanted to get an original before he kicked it. It would have been SUCH a better deal, don’t you think? Well in memory of Carroll Shelby, I wrote my 100th post.

1. Happy 100th Post to meeee!!!!! Whoever came up with the idea to ask a trivia question, I think it sounds like a great idea.  But you know what? My life’s not easy so why should your life be easy? Your answer needs to be in the form of a poem. Doesn’t matter which type (hint: haikus take like 3 seconds, hence their recurring appearances on here) but the answer to the trivia question needs to be in the form of a poem. And then whichever poem I like the best (Naturally, I’m assuming there will be hundreds of entries from which to select) will win a FREE HASHBROWN HARRY’S T-SHIRT. Because like the pop-up, the t-shirts exist too.

So here’s your 100th Blog Post Trivia Question….




Good luck and congratulations to me for continuing me to entertain you more than anyone else in your whole entire life!!!!!!

*Note: The t-shirt does not come with the apron or the waitress. Those are sold separately.




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