some important changes to our catering contract. beware, all potential partygoers!!!!

3 May

Party season is upon us, and based on recent phone calls I’ve taken, I ‘m considering making some amendments to my current contract. Right now it’s the standard “doesn’t include tax or gratuity,” and “deposit can be refunded in the form of a gift card” and “no confetti” and shit like that. Here are some additions:

  1. The number of phone calls to the restaurant MAY NOT exceed the number of people attending your party.
  2. There is no possible way for every person at your 70 person shower to be facing each other and the front of the room, so please stop asking. However, if someone needs to turn his/her chair  around to watch gift opening, there will be an additional charge.
  3. We do not allow tacky decorations, particularly anything that requires us to climb on a ladder and wedge a thumbtack into the corner of the ceiling tile to get it to stay.
  4. Kindly do not allow your tweenage daughter to dress like a prostitute. Some of us have babygirls and are getting very very sad about today’s youth. Others of us feel really uncomfortable about accidentally making eye contact with an underage chick’s completely exposed breasts. This also applies to footwear. Your tween should not wear 5″ stilettos. It is clearly a safety hazard and we only have so much insurance.
  5. Should you choose to bring your own cake, we cannot substitute with an additional entrée for ever guest. That’s just not how it works.
  6. If you pay cash, not only can you not save on tax, but you will also be additionally charged if the bills are out-of-order and/or not bankfaced.
  7. We do not provide a private party room for a party of 7. That is called your dining room.
  8. If you bring “entertainment” for your 5 year olds, please refrain from having said entertainment be in the form of finger paints, paintball guns, blowhorns, firecrackers and other explosives/weapons/cans of spray paint.
  9. Please do not arrive more than 8 hours before your party to decorate. Additionally, please refrain from bringing every person who will be attending your party to set up for your party.
  10. We thoroughly appreciate how much you’ve enjoyed partying in our establishment, but if the room has been entirely cleared, and the lights are up, and the music is off, and the sun has risen, and your next anniversary has arrived, it’s really really really time to go.
  11. Please don’t bring your own platters of sushi. It’s super weird. We can take care of that for you.
  12. If you have exceeded the number of unnecessary phone calls allotted to your particular party, we will take a message and get back to you sometime after your party has concluded so that you can thank us profusely for running such a perfect affair, and apologize for being a ridiculous micromanager.

So if your communion is this weekend and you were about to pick up the phone to ask me some asshole question like whether you can bring in a trained yet unsupervised alligator to play with the kids or what kind of chicken we use in the chicken parmesan, please take heed of the new rules of the house.


Ps. I won’t be blogging tomorrow because Harry is taking me to a country concert where Lionel Richie will be making a surprise appearance. This isn’t actually true, but if it happens, I just wanted it to be publicly stated that it was my idea for him to come. 94 posts in and I’m that powerful.


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