i’ll do anything for twenty bucks. go ahead. try me. on second thought don’t try me, i’m totally lying.

27 Apr

Tomorrow is the opening (and closing!) night of Hashbrown Harry’s, so don’t expect anything I write tonight to make sense because I am delirious and visions of pancakes are floating through my head. I feel really ready. Are there some things that I’m completely unprepared for? Yes! Do I think it’s going to be a total disaster? A little bit! Do my eggshell candles look INSANELY AMAZING? Fuck yes they do. Am I staring at a pile of beautifully colored compostable spoons? Why yes I am! And a stack of berry baskets that tomorrow evening will hold fresh baked buttermilk biscuits? You got it! Did I spent $26 on olives today because the pressure I’m feeling to make the perfect bloody mary is unparalleled? Certainly! Are the olives officially the only ingredients I have for the drink? Other than vodka, you bet! Are olives really only considered a garnish and not an ingredient? Some might say this is the case! Does that mean I officially have no ingredients and I’m just going to serve shots of vodka with olives floating on top? You can bet on it!

Ok I’m done. Tomorrow should be interesting to say the least. And actually, by the time this post gets published it will technically be today (eeeeek!!!!). I’ll probably just sleep at the restaurant tonight, because the only people left in the building are these bitches who are sitting in the middle of the dining room, completely preventing me from being able to set up for the first birthday party that’s tomorrow morning. I just don’t get it? You know what I also don’t get? How one of my friends sent me a note on Facebook about how she was sitting at a restaurant having dinner, and a dude LITERALLY PAID HER $20 to pay and leave so they could have the extra room. Like, I just don’t get why I never get paid off to do shit. I’d do pretty much anything for twenty bucks. Stop being a perv, I mean I would pay and leave anyplace. I mean, usually I don’t want to be where I am anyway (this particular friend might feel similarly, which is why she excepted the cash and skedaddled).

Things that are freaking me out right now is that I only have 17 songs on my playlist for tomorrow, and three of them are different versions of Mr. Bojangles. Also, I left my mom in charge of the pot brownies.

Ok, I’ve gotta go stare at these women until they get the hint. Because sitting in a completely silent and empty restaurant apparently isn’t clear enough that it’s time to go.

Just in case you aren’t coming tomorrow (unsupportive assholes, how dare you have other plans or live out of state) my sister-sister Missy will be taking photos of all the action and posting a live feed on Instagram. She’s totally a hipster-who-hates-all-other-hipsters so lord only knows which filters she’s going to use on that shit. All I know is that you can check it all out. My user name is SHELBYTOWN. I know, totally clever.

PS. My dad bought a fake Rolex on his vacation. It has a yellow strap, because according to him “it’s a Limited Edition NASCAR Rolex.” My mom is so proud (read: confused by his behavior sometimes). If you pass him on the street, you should check out his fake Rolex. Tap on the fake glass and tell him (fakely) how cool his new timepiece is.

PPS. He also bought Riley a tricycle today so I should probably be nicer to him. Your new timepiece is really cool, Dad. I think it might be real.

 

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One Response to “i’ll do anything for twenty bucks. go ahead. try me. on second thought don’t try me, i’m totally lying.”

  1. Jen April 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

    Great blog today. And spot on assessment re: your dad’s watches.

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