the fuck-up.

24 Apr

Of all the asshole things I’ve done in my life, (there are SOOOOO MANY. See below.) Hashbrown Harry’s is by far the assholiest.

Here’s what I don’t have time for this week:

  1. Online stalking Miranda Lambert.
  2. Teaching my child how to go pee pee on the potty. Basically she’s fucked and will be going to high school wearing size 13 Huggies Pure & Natural diapers.
  3. Talking to Charlie on the phone, no less going to drink water-flavored beer with him.
  4. Filling my car with gas. I’ll be running on empty hardcore this week.
  5. Proofreading my posts. Expect some reprehensible grammatical errors.
  6. Drinking water. My hands already look like oblong prunes.
  7. Doing the payroll.
  8. Laundry, dishes and other forms of cleaning.
  9. Sleeping.
  10. Not being a total psychopath crazy bitch. Sorry, world.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to blog this week, because this is how this damn pop-up got started in the first place, and now that it’s crunch time, and probably somewhat interesting to people like you who don’t actually have to do any of the work, I feel obligated to share. So everyday, I’m going to write…..

RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP TODAY

1. HOMEMADE FRUIT LOOPS

I truly believe that I have discovered Hell’s existence on Earth. It is inside my house in the form of homemade Fruit Loops for 50 people. WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING??? I CAN’T EVEN MAKE SLICE & BAKE COOKIES! I DON’T BELIEVE IN TIMERS OR MEASURING! I AM SO THE WRONG MAN FOR THIS JOB! I found the recipe(s) on two different food blogs – they had a Fruit Loop cook-off. Their blogs were so damn upbeat, with yellow in the background and little flowers growing off the bottom and pretty professional looking pictures. So I believed them when they told me that they had discovered the secret to homemade cereal. I purchased: xanthan gum, organic shortening, lemon powder, gluten free powder, superfine sugar, organic milk eggs butter baking powder baking soda, powdered buttermilk, real buttermilk. And guess what? The fucking fruit loops are nasty. And they gave me heartburn. You know what I learned from this? FOOD BLOGGERS HAVE GOT TO BE HIGHLY MEDICATED. There’s no way any sane person has the patience to do this baking-then-writing-about-it shit more than once ever. No way Jose.

2. LEMON CAKE

Last night I spent 4 hours on itty bitty cakes to serve as the 7th course. Not the decorating or frosting part, just the baking. I zested, squeezed and sliced lemons. I separated eggs without breaking the shells so I could use them as candles. I buttered and floured 19 ramekins, and baked those puppies perfectly. I did some quick math, and it will take me 184 hours to complete this course. Which would be acceptable if the cakes were edible. If you enjoy eating bricks of chalk then they are delicious. Not your cup of tea? Me neither. Fuckin’ Martha….

THINGS I’VE DONE/PURCHASED FOR HASHBROWN HARRY’S THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP

1. STRAWS ~ Paper and double-wide. Now that doesn’t suck!

2. BERRY BASKETS ~ I don’t know what they’re for, but they’re so darn cute that I couldn’t resist.

3. A NEW APRON ~ At the very least, I have half an outfit to wear on Saturday. Huge check marked off my list.

4. EGG CANDLES ~ They char a little on the edges when you light them, and might emit poison or a stench, but they look so so so pretty! 

THINGS THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GO WRONG TOMORROW

 1. MARSHMALLOWS ~Like any other person who likes pain, I’ve decided to remove the two basic ingredients of the chewy gooey loveliness from the recipe – corn syrup and gelatin. Sounds like a super duper fail!!!

2. THE REST OF THE FRUIT LOOPS ~ Tomorrow it’s blueberry, mango, red berry and peach. I wonder which flavor will stain the wall when I throw it.

3. BACON INFUSED BOURBON ~ Someone remind me to cook the bacon before it gets infused. Or don’t, but don’t give me shit when it all goes wrong.

STRESS LEVEL ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10. 

35.7 – Had to add 20 points for a possible concussion I got trying to put a couple dozen plastic spoons back in the cabinet.

Sidebar:

Some Asshole Things I’ve Done (an extremely abbreviated list)

  1. Borrowed my dad’s truck this winter while he was on vacation and left the windows open during a massive rainstorm. The result was a nice thick sheet of ice on the inside of the windshield, a busted seat heater, 100% relative humidity inside the vehicle and icicles hanging off the steering wheel, all of which lasted for 3 weeks.
  2. Talked crazy smack about some weirdo customer inadvertently to his niece.
  3. Wrote a horribly embarrassing sex article about my college roommate. (I regret that one every day, so don’t make me feel worse, parents.)
  4. Broke up with Harry on his birthday.
  5. Didn’t say yes to Harry when he proposed in the dark until I found a light to check the color of the gold
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One Response to “the fuck-up.”

  1. Lindsey April 24, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    I see you too were on shopsweetlulu.com this week… as was I 😉

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