selling weed with a one-footed teletubby and a baker with a ‘stache is the only way i’m ever going to be happy again.

24 Apr

Last night I stayed up until 3am doing paperwork, folding laundry and shaving taper candles to melt for my illuminated eggs. At 4, Riley decided that she would like to play. That was the highlight of my day.

There are officially 6 seats left on Saturday night. I think you should come if only for the humor and music. Check out the current menu…

RECIPES/OTHER THINGS I’VE FUCKED UP TODAY

1. HOMEMADE FRUIT LOOPS AGAIN, THIS TIME STRAWBERRY/RASPBERRY.  I think my standards are possibly too high, in that the loops don’t taste exactly like the completely

2. STAND MIXER.  It’s made to break into 35 pieces, right? On the week when you’re actually going to use it?

3. 30 PERSON LUNCHEON. I staffed it, made sure the table was set, got to the restaurant early to print the menus. Only they never came. Because the luncheon is tomorrow.

4. GETTING INTO MY CAR.  I left the supermarket, unlocked my mom’s car (which I have put approximately 43,000 miles on in the past 10 days) and got inside, only to be attacked by the nasty stench of cigarettes and odd feel of cloth seats. Because I climbed into someone else’s car. At least it’s better than the time I did that during carpool and there was a strange parent in it telling me to get out.

THINGS I’VE DONE/PURCHASED FOR HASHBROWN HARRY’S THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP

1. WORKED ON THE HASHBROWN HARRY’S SPOTIFY LIST. So far it’s a few versions of the old “Weeds” theme song, (if you don’t know it I feel super bad for you, because Nancy Botwin is a badass chick who you should all strive to be more like except for the part where she’s a semi-abusive mom and was once married to a Mexican drug cartel leader/politician/scary-yet-sexy guy.) Beatles covers, Champagne Supernova by Oasis, and anything with the words pancakes or eggs or bacon or quinoa in it.

2. NOTHING. The only thing I bought today was a Starbucks because I needed comfort.

2. HOWEVER… I did have an impressively stimulating conversation with some future employees when I become a rich and famous weed dealer. We won’t just sell drugs, but also drugs in the form of elaborate baked goods. The restaurant will of course be the front to our Fakery. The code word for selling our goods will be when someone orders “the chicken tacos.”  One is going to wear a 1-footed Teletubby costume (which apparently he sports every Halloween while teaching elementary aged children but he wants to repurpose it) and he is going to raise his eyebrows sketchily up and down as his signal that he’s got your weed. The other will tell you “try our favorite green salad!” with enthusiasm and a friendly smile. Her uniform will most likely be a baker’s hat and fake mustache. I’ll keep you posted.

THINGS THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GO WRONG TOMORROW

 1. I WILL SLEEP THROUGH THE ENTIRE DAY. This is completely possible. Why don’t they make Ambien for toddlers? Yet another thing in life that I’ll never understand.

2. A DOG WILL EAT MY FRUIT LOOPS.  This is almost a guarantee.

3. HARRY WILL DIVORCE ME BECAUSE I NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER BATCH OF FRUIT LOOPS. Then what will I name the damn Pop-up?? Shelby’s House of Hash??? (hmmm…..)

STRESS LEVEL ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10. 

4. I’m way too tired to count higher than that.

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