how the restaurant business can really fuck with your day.

18 Apr

So I noticed that Hashbrown Harry’s website got like way more hits today than my blog because the menu is finally posted. I’d like you to know that I think that’s some kind of bullshitty bullshit. Am I not far more interesting than some AMAZING 7-COURSE FARM TO TABLE POP-UP LATE-NIGHT BREAKFAST JOINT???? I didn’t think so.

Something really interesting about the restaurant business is that you never really know in what way you’ll be busy. For instance, one Wednesday you might do rockin’ lunch business and you’re running around bussing tables, occasionally schmoozing with regulars but really you’re far too busy bringing cheeseburgers and chicken caesar salads to their rightful owners to have any sort of meaningful convo. The next Wednesday might be slower, but there’s a book club draining all of their energy by complaining about the ambient temperature/server’s body odor/size of one salad compared to another. Or another day, the phone is ringing off the hook because the communion dates just got released and everyone is trying to beat their churchgoing buddies to the punch. Or there’s also the chance that you maybe forgot to put a party in the reservation computer and didn’t realize until they started walking through the door.

What I’m trying to say is that you just never know.

Today I made a modest list of things to do, hoping to complete it FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE:

  • Call in beer & liquor
  • Buy new first aid supplies and finger condoms
  • Replace 2 lightbulbs
  • Email a chick about a party
  • Print our new seasonal menu
  • Find recipes for marshmallows
  • Buy wicks for my egg candles

I later added a few things that I had already done so that I’d feel more accomplished:

  • Arrive at work
  • Buy cilantro for the kitchen because they ran out
  • Drink a glass of water
  • Print a list of upcoming party menus
I came soooooo close, but my fucking font obsession totally got in the way of printing the menu. I must have downloaded 305 fonts looking for the perfect serif to go with my really amazing seasonal menu. Plus it was busy, plus there was a party, plus EVERYBODY AND THEIR SISTER (literally) wanted to book a bowling dinner, plus I had to deal with an eager beer rep who wanted to know what was with our sick Jimmy Buffet obsession, plus I had to eat 3 breakfasts as per my One Week Happiness Diet.
Sufficed to say, I didn’t cross off every item.
PLUS (did you really think I was done?) on top of lunch being a little busy, there was a new server so it required a touch of babysitting. But she got compliments from every table she waited on. I’m convinced she’s paying them off, but either way I’m considering chaining her to the front door so she never ever ever ever leaves.

Oh, that’s another awesome thing about the business. Every time you decide you like an employee, it pretty much triggers a 72 hour countdown to them giving their 2 weeks. The ones you can’t stomach never leave (like Charlie, for instance).

Who is by the way BACK IN TOWN!!! See???

Note: Even though you can't tell from this photo, Charlie and I do, in fact, have the same number of teeth.

Thank heavens!!!!

Anyway, the moral of the story is, to-do lists are not for cool cats like me.

Oh, you know what? I bet you don’t necessarily know what finger condoms are. In the fun fun restaurant biz, when you get a cut you need to keep the bloody mess away from the food that you’re preparing/serving/eating. So you get these things that are little tiny condoms that you roll down over your wounded finger. They were most likely originally fashioned to be regular sex condoms for possums. They come in S, M, L and XL. In a world where we get sued for sexual harassment at the drop of a pin, how on Earth do these puppies still exist????


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