how to effectively stalk a rockstar*. also, poetry tuesday!

17 Apr

I don’t know if it’s because it’s 81 degrees in April, or maybe my One Week Happiness Diet is kicking in, or maybe I’m giddy because my parents peaced out of town for a couple weeks and I can feel free to drop the f-bomb like it’s going out of style without my dad expressing his grave disappointment in me as a human being, but I’m having a great week!!

You know who isn’t having a great week? My mom. Well, she was until this afternoon, because she’s on a cruise. But then she broke her big toe climbing up a waterfall (or down, I’m not sure) and had to kayak back to the ship with a bum foot and my dad, who really doesn’t tend to pull his own weight when it comes to watersports.

Charlie’s back in town, but I haven’t seen him because he’s in a drunken coma someplace in his basement and/or he has a lot of schoolwork to catch up on. What I do know is that he had a rockstar kind of time in Vegas. To sum it up, one of the following is true:

a) He made a real love connection with one of the guys that works on the LOVE Cirque Du Soleil set at The Mirage and got to sit on the stage for a performance wearing a neon spandex bodysuit.

b) After passing out in a club, he came to only to discover that his friend was found by hotel security sleeping naked in an elevator. A kind gentleman gave her his boxers so she’d have something to keep her warm.

c) He lost his car at some point between 4am and 9am, and while he was looking for it he got picked up by some hippies going to the Grand Canyon for the day and decided to go because it meant free pot.


1. (Eat whatever) – Milk & cookies for breakfast A, Bananas Foster French Toast for breakfast B, greasy cheeseburger for lunch, a blogtime snack:

2. (Do whatever.) – Dressed Riley as a punk rock ballerina. Had to go to work, but set up an ancillary office in my parents’ sunny backyard. After a few bouts with the wind and some makeshift rock paperweights, I got some hardcore sun all while being extremely productive.

3. (Don’t regret shit.) – I got really close after I went to take a photo on my iPhone and it was forward facing so I saw my chubalub face instead of the pretty herbage in the backyard that I was anticipating, but Harry talked me down.

4. (Don’t try on bathing suits.) – I did look though, because I had to go to Sears to pay my Discover bill. I’m wavering between the skankarific Kardashian Collection (on which there are tassles and minimal fabric) or the mommylicious Land’s End line, which has so much Spanx-esque material that I really just can’t figure out how I’ll be able to eat hot dogs and snow cones.

5. (Alternatively exercise)– I wore extra tall heels today and on my way home I’m going to hit up Macy’s and run up and down the escalators ten times. I’ll take a picture, don’t you worry. Also, does Facebook stalking a country singer count as exercise? Because I did that. Specifically Miranda Lambert, who I offered to trade my boots for a poem. Clearly she doesn’t know about Poetry Tuesday or she’d be on top of that shit STAT. She did write that she wanted my boots. Was it really her? I obviously don’t know (yes, it was her. Because it’s Sunshine Week).

kindly note that Miranda Lambert is married to Blake Shelton, making her Miranda Shelton. Don't be a hater. Just go with it....

6. (Rock out.) – Obv I listened to Miranda Lambert. I also dabbled in the new Neon Trees album, which is pretty great except one song that sucked bigtime. Additionally I started working on a playlist for a dentist friend I’ve got who thinks there’s been no good music other than Green Day in the past 10 years. I titled it “Tunes for Musically Ignorant Dentists.”

7. (Enjoy the results.) – Actually, I’ll let you do that tonight. With a poem!!!!


I’ve got these friends named Brittney and Shane

They’re so damn happy it drives me insane

We’re not talking chipper or even content

They’re so fucking peppy it gets me all bent

They stopped in for dinner on Saturday night

And smiled while me and a dude had a fight

They giggled and waved when he started to shout

Then laughed when I told him to get the hell out

I had no more tables except by the loo

They thanked me for giving them such a good view

I don’t understand how neither one frowns

I just want to shout “turn that smile upside down!!!”

* I know that one or two of you is thinking that Miranda Lambert is no rockstar. You, my friend, have never been to one of her concerts and seen her awesome pink microphone.


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