if you’ve got them, flaunt them. (part 2)

14 Apr

I feel like last night I made it seem like I rely entirely on my sexuality to be successful. This is not so.

If you’ve got the following, flaunt it:

  1. Nice eyes. Play them up. Buy that mascara made specifically for your eye color. Wear a blue/green/hazel shirt or headband.
  2. A Happy Marriage. Show that shit off! So many couples sit at their tables shoveling ribs and skirt steak in their downturned mouths, too miserable to do things like smile and laugh. Appreciate your other half publicly. Tell everyone you know that your lover is wonderful. Laugh Out Loud while you’re looking at each other, not an iPhone screen. Or do what my darling dearest Harry does and smack my ass in the middle of busy dinner service, and then commend me for having such a fabulous tush without even having Spanx on. Everybody in the building now knows that Harry thinks I’m a hottie. Which he is totally correct about. {Kudos to Mark H. with whom I graduated from Harborfields High School in Greenlawn NY for being such a great hubby and coming up with this answer. Jeanine you are so so so lucky. Mark, I will collect my money tomorrow.}
  3. Opinions. Don’t be scared that people won’t like you because you’re totally digging the new Counting Crows album even though it’s only mediocre. They’ll find some other more significant reason to talk smack about you behind your back. Like that you read on a blog that you should wear mascara and your name is Steve.
  4. A brain. At some point in my late teens/early twenties, I adopted a novelty Valley Girl shtick that sort of stuck. For a few years I noticed that I played dumb so often, people stopped relying on me as the resident super-genius. It was a very low time in my life.
  5. An adorable child/dog/t-shirt. Can’t go wrong with this. Children and dogs bring the expectation for meaningful conversation to the lowest possible level. You’re judged solely on cuteness, obedience and random tricks. T-shirts, on the other hand, let others pass totally severe judgments on both your style and sense of humor (for instance I have a shirt that says “Carbs Stink” on the front. And then “just kidding” on the back. Am I the funniest person you’ve ever encountered ever ever ever? I thought so.) in one screen-printed piece of preshrunk cotton.
  6. A great idea. Err on the side of caution with this one. Make sure you share ideas with the least-enterprising of your friends and colleagues if you really think you’re on to something. For me, I’m proud to share my desire to put bacon roasted Brussels spouts on the menu. I may even shout it from the rooftops, or have a vinyl banner made.
  7. Talent. Do you know how untalented so many writers/actors/singers are? Stop wasting your time saying you’d like to write a book or singing in your car at the top of your lungs. Make a YouTube video or open an Etsy shop and find out if you’ve got what it takes. Don’t start a blog, it’s exhausting and almost everyone you write about except your Gay Asian BFF will hate you.
  8. Totally amazing taste in music. This just so happens to apply to me. See?
  9. Good friends, especially if they’re hot. I consider this one of the most crucial social moves you can make because people think you’re a movie star if you roll with someone as hot as you are. Movie stars get free tickets to movies, possibly even free popcorn, and those are amazing perks to have in life. In some cases they’re just “really nice” and that’s fine too. In particular, the self-described “awesome” one (I prefer Jewrific but he gets to choose) made this genius contribution to my post. “Good sideburns. Or other facial hair. So many losers in their 20s have prepubescent facial hair and it looks like kitten whiskers.” Which leads to….
  10. An oddball personality. I try to not be a robot whenever possible. Some people don’t like me for it. I mean, let’s face it, I’m a Jewish girl on Long Island. Being a robot is sort of innate and completely expected of me. But I really really like motor homes and I’d rather talk to a 12-year-old about the Disney Channel than an adult about politics and I don’t usually kick myself very hard when I say inappropriate things (ALL. THE. TIME.). Because normal is so fucking run-of-the-mill.

Reminds me of a quote from the play “Art” by Yasmina Reza.

“If I’m who I am because I’m who I am, and you’re who you are because you’re who you are, then I’m who I am and you’re who you are. If, on the other hand, I’m who I am because you’re who you are, and if you’re who you are because I’m who I am, then I’m not who I am and you’re not who you are”

In other words, let yourself be your fabulous self and the world is your oyster!


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