the most scatterbrained post EVERRRR + a poem about charlie.

10 Apr

Just in case you were wondering, here is a recent list of things I jotted down on my iPhone notepad:

  • Buy lake house
  • Use a hostess next week
  • Uncrustables
  • Housewives selling pharmeceuticals
  • Carrots then chips
  • Get rid of blue m&ms, bring back light brown
  • Want to wear maternity wife beaters this summer
  • Gift bag
  • Black over-thing
  • Used lumber yard

Keep in mind that this is literally the list. Like my laundry, I don’t like sorting the shit on my mind out. It all goes in the same basket to be attended to at some point in the near or distant future.

Anyway, I feel like I severely misrepresented myself last night by saying that I’d prefer a brand new Ramada  to an old fancy hotel. I feel like you think I like Ramadas more than other places. This is not the case, although one time I had a super good time at one involving Munchie Mix and a torrential downpour which makes me slightly biased. But truth be told, if I had it my way, I’d stay in a one-week-old trend haven with a gratis honor bar and cutting edge underwater tv in the bathtub every time I travelled. If that’s not available, I’d settle for a Holiday Inn Express or a Hyatt Place. They often have snacks in the lobby 24-hours a day and a make-your-own-pancake machine at the continental breakfast, and nothing nothing nothing beats that.

Except the hotel we stayed at in Italy that looked like Wonderland and served Prosciutto bacon and like 30 different flavors of  jelly every morning.

Something I’m really really awesome at is getting an upgraded room. Approaches I’ve used are:

  • Telling the check-in guy I just got engaged
  • Flashing my breasts (this only works if you’re a girl)
  • Saying this is the first time I’ve been out of the house since I had a baby 2 years ago and I’m soooo excited
  • Being so nice I make myself want to puke
  • Crying

Results may vary, so don’t blame me if your boobs aren’t nice enough to get you a better view.

Poetry Tuesday!!

Ode to Charlie (a haiku)


Gay Asian Waiter

Being so bad in Vegas

Don’t tattoo your face.

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