really really important facts about my immediate family.

9 Apr

Like many of you, I spent lots of time with my original fam this weekend. During a minor fist fight (which stemmed from a conversation about the total necessity for Brussels Sprouts on the menu at the restaurant) it hit me that I haven’t exploited them nearly enough.

So here’s some juicy gossip US Weekly-style (because fact #11 – I’m a pop culture whore).


  1. Textbook middle child.
  2. Babysits Riley every week and taught her to pick her nose every time he says “Riley you have schmutz!”
  3. Made a living as a commercial interior designer before moving on to the ridiculous restaurant business.
  4. Has owned the following pets: ducks, goats, dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, horses.
  5. Can build a rocking horse out of a 2×4.
  6. Every time you say “tissue” he yells “KISS YOU!? I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU!!”
  7. Cuts his own hair.
  8. Taught cooking classes to the Islanders like 18 years ago, which is probably the reason they haven’t won a game since.
  9. Rides a Harley.
  10. Doesn’t dance at Bar Mitzvahs.


  1. Rarely sleeps.
  2. Hates her iPhone
  3. Doesn’t like any music with guitars or drums. So basically anything.
  4. When she refers to herself as a fag, she means that she’s dorky. Not a gay man or a cigarette.
  5. Sewed 100 placemats and a 24 foot table runner for my wedding.
  6. Can fly a plane.
  7. Keeps all her shoes in their original boxes with photos of them taped to the outside.
  8. Gets drunk off 1/2 a glass of wine.
  9. Has walked around with a toilet paper tail on more than one occasion.
  10. Doesn’t dance at Bar Mitzvahs.


  1. Packed a wooden pirate statue to take on every family vacation for many, many years.
  2. Diet until college consisted mainly of pasta with ketchup, Entenmann’s cookies and Coke in shot glasses.
  3. Once had a rabbit named Doody who got eaten by our dog during one of my sleepovers.
  4. Excellent at “juggling” a soccer ball.
  5. Missed his flight from Amsterdam to someplace else in Europe because he did psychedelic drugs by mistake.
  6. Knows all the lyrics and choreography to “Today for Me, Tomorrow for You,” the drag queen anthem from “Rent.”
  7. Once dressed as Jim Croce for Halloween.
  8. Transferred to Cornell from Emory because the weather was too warm in Georgia.
  9. Doesn’t dance at Bar Mitzvahs.


  1. Have never had a cup of coffee in my life, although I enjoy chocolate covered espresso beans.
  2. Would choose a brand new Ramada over an old fancy hotel any day of the week.
  3. The first time I ever smoked pot my best friend hit his head on a radiator and had a seizure.
  4. My nicknames in camp ranged from “Shelby Joe” to “YBA Flirt.” Both are screamingly appropriate because I’m a cowgirl and a heartbreaker.
  5. I don’t understand how it’s so hard for people to figure out the proper uses of the words “to,” “too” and “two.” Good looks don’t excuse poor grammar.
  6. Once cut my face open on a bidet in Vegas.
  7. Played the viola for 13 years
  8. Debut stage performance was the Daisy in Alice in Wonderland. My line was “Daisy!”
  9. I have all of my notes from high school saved in an Urban Outfitters bag.
  10. Don’t dance at Bar Mitzvahs unless I’m drunk.





2 Responses to “really really important facts about my immediate family.”

  1. pam....... April 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm #

    love this one!!!

  2. Jen April 11, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    lucky for everyone involved, I already knew those factoids about your bro before we got married.

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