why i’m never eating in a restaurant ever ever again.

1 Apr

Fine. This is a complete lie. I am obviously eating in a restaurant again, and most likely it will happen before 1pm tomorrow. Because I really really like to go out to eat. But you know what? It is like really fucking hard to be a customer in a restaurant when you spend many many hours a week running one. For example:

  1. Sometimes you sit at your table and know right away that your waitress is completely in the weeds. You know that wine you’re coveting is a very long ways away. (VOCAB OF THE DAY: “In the weeds” – Totally fucked, at least for the next ten minutes. Your tables are needy, you got triple sat, you still have to take entrée orders on two other tables… not pretty.)
  2. You want to tell the servers to spit out their gum/clean their apron/pick up the straw wrapper they’ve been looking at and stepping over for the past ten minutes/get the fuck out. But you can’t.
  3. You know when the hostess messed up and gave away the 2-top that was supposed to get pushed together with the 2-top next to it in order to accommodate your 4-top. You want to be sympathetic because she probably feels bad she messed up, but you’re really hungry and you know nobody else is even close to getting up because you’ve been scanning the room since you walked in.
  4. You get location-envy, concept-envy, service-envy, wine list-envy, cheese selection-envy bartop textile-envy and newly redecorated bathroom-envy.
  5. When the service is really bad, you could theoretically run your own food, get your own refills and pour your own beers, but you aren’t allowed to do it.
  6. You know how much the steak cost to buy.
  7. When you bring your babygirl to other people’s restaurants, you can’t just let her run around saying hi to all the customers and offering them half her turkey burger slider like you normally do.
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One Response to “why i’m never eating in a restaurant ever ever again.”

  1. jordan April 2, 2012 at 1:41 am #

    great blog. i totally feel where your coming from.

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