Archive | April, 2012

10 things you never knew about harry. and the epic return of poetry tuesday!!!!

30 Apr

I feel like you’ve gotten to know me so well over the past few months, but Harry has been sort of just this cheffy mystery man. Here are some very important facts about Harry:

  1. He’s a 3rd generation Harry (short for Harry, not Harold or Harrison).
  2. He loves Hilary Duff movies. Including Raise Your Voice.
  3. Before he became a chef, he made and delivered raviolis.
  4. He hates beans, meat on the bone and even numbers, which is extremely annoying when it comes to the thermostat and the volume on the radio and the time you want to set the alarm for.
  5. He’s a breast man. One of our favorite hobbies is pointing out exceptional pairs to each other when we’re in a crowd.
  6. He has a Tasmanian devil tattoo on his back which is extremely lame-and-a-half. He wants to have it removed. But it’s still there.
  7. When we met he had a moustache because he thought it made him look mature.
  8. He was born in Scotland but nobody in his family is Scottish.
  9. He has a TMZ and shoe fetish, particularly John Varvatos Converse.
  10. Trouble is Harry’s middle name. Literally. How weird are his parents?*

 

ode to my pillow: a haiku

I really need sleep

But I have to watch tv

Gossip Girl’s the best.

*This is not true. But he does tend to get into trouble ALL THE TIME.

 

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hashbrown harry’s: a photo extravaganza

29 Apr

So last night unless you are one of the lucky few, you missed out on a pretty fucking cool night, if you ask me. Like there wasn’t a hitch. It was nuts.
Here are some photos, which will make you totally excited for the next popup, Halapeño Harry’s. Different time, same place. The shelbytown Supper Club. Open for business!

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Thanks so much to Missy and Bethany for your mad instagram skills.

I’ll post details tomorrow. Right now I’m vegging on the couch, eating brownies and watching celebrity apprentice with Harry. Doesn’t get much better.

Ps. Yes I’m dead serious about the shelbytown Supper Club.

too tired to write anything but thank you.

29 Apr

Hashbrown Harry’s was a smashing success. So before I fall asleep in my oatmeal (just kidding. I forgot to eat today and now it’s too late and I didn’t even get to try my favorite Texan egg dish that Harry recreated just for me and now my old camp counselor is going to Austin this weekend and IT’S NOT FAIR.)

Just wanted to thank Seth Kramer, who did the most INSANE magic tableside. You should probably use him at your next dinner party or Bar Mitzvah. Check out his site right here.

Also thanks to Nicole, Thing 1, Charlie and my Work Husband for your great 7-course f&b serving.

Also thanks to my sister-in-law for the cowboy boots for Riley. Oh wait. Just kidding. You’re holding them hostage.

And Missy & B for the instagram feed (you’ll enjoy them tomorrow on shelbytown).

And my parents for being ok with the fact that we really made pot brownies for our friends and loved ones.

And the guys in the kitchen, who I forced to boil water, bake things, make tortillas, teach me how to cook and deal with my annoying ass nonstop for the past week.

And most of all, Mr. Hashbrown Harry himself, who busted his ass just to make me happy. He’s the best. It might be stupid to marry a chef, but my chef is definitely the exception.

i’ll do anything for twenty bucks. go ahead. try me. on second thought don’t try me, i’m totally lying.

27 Apr

Tomorrow is the opening (and closing!) night of Hashbrown Harry’s, so don’t expect anything I write tonight to make sense because I am delirious and visions of pancakes are floating through my head. I feel really ready. Are there some things that I’m completely unprepared for? Yes! Do I think it’s going to be a total disaster? A little bit! Do my eggshell candles look INSANELY AMAZING? Fuck yes they do. Am I staring at a pile of beautifully colored compostable spoons? Why yes I am! And a stack of berry baskets that tomorrow evening will hold fresh baked buttermilk biscuits? You got it! Did I spent $26 on olives today because the pressure I’m feeling to make the perfect bloody mary is unparalleled? Certainly! Are the olives officially the only ingredients I have for the drink? Other than vodka, you bet! Are olives really only considered a garnish and not an ingredient? Some might say this is the case! Does that mean I officially have no ingredients and I’m just going to serve shots of vodka with olives floating on top? You can bet on it!

Ok I’m done. Tomorrow should be interesting to say the least. And actually, by the time this post gets published it will technically be today (eeeeek!!!!). I’ll probably just sleep at the restaurant tonight, because the only people left in the building are these bitches who are sitting in the middle of the dining room, completely preventing me from being able to set up for the first birthday party that’s tomorrow morning. I just don’t get it? You know what I also don’t get? How one of my friends sent me a note on Facebook about how she was sitting at a restaurant having dinner, and a dude LITERALLY PAID HER $20 to pay and leave so they could have the extra room. Like, I just don’t get why I never get paid off to do shit. I’d do pretty much anything for twenty bucks. Stop being a perv, I mean I would pay and leave anyplace. I mean, usually I don’t want to be where I am anyway (this particular friend might feel similarly, which is why she excepted the cash and skedaddled).

Things that are freaking me out right now is that I only have 17 songs on my playlist for tomorrow, and three of them are different versions of Mr. Bojangles. Also, I left my mom in charge of the pot brownies.

Ok, I’ve gotta go stare at these women until they get the hint. Because sitting in a completely silent and empty restaurant apparently isn’t clear enough that it’s time to go.

Just in case you aren’t coming tomorrow (unsupportive assholes, how dare you have other plans or live out of state) my sister-sister Missy will be taking photos of all the action and posting a live feed on Instagram. She’s totally a hipster-who-hates-all-other-hipsters so lord only knows which filters she’s going to use on that shit. All I know is that you can check it all out. My user name is SHELBYTOWN. I know, totally clever.

PS. My dad bought a fake Rolex on his vacation. It has a yellow strap, because according to him “it’s a Limited Edition NASCAR Rolex.” My mom is so proud (read: confused by his behavior sometimes). If you pass him on the street, you should check out his fake Rolex. Tap on the fake glass and tell him (fakely) how cool his new timepiece is.

PPS. He also bought Riley a tricycle today so I should probably be nicer to him. Your new timepiece is really cool, Dad. I think it might be real.

 

pot brownies without certain ingredients are just drugs.

26 Apr

I am sooooo exhausted today that I cried at the following times:

  1. Listening to Lionel Richie and Darius Rucker sing “Stuck On You” because I guess I’m gonna be with Harry ’til the end.
  2. When I replayed Stuck on You for Harry and asked him to dance and he said no.
  3. When the Rangers won the 7th game, out of happiness, and I’m an Islander fan (shut up) so that was weird.
  4. I looked at the mess I made in the kitchen.
  5. The girl I don’t like (because she NEVER SMILES) got kicked off Idol and I felt sad for her.
  6. When I saw my babygirl waiting for me at the front door clapping and jumping up and down. Everyday I’m too busy to hang with her all day I fear that she’ll go pee pee on the potty without me being there and it will destroy me for all eternity. I’m considering removing it from the house until Hashbrown Harry’s is dunzo so I don’t miss out on this momentous occasion.
  7. In the middle of Trader Joe’s, because I couldn’t remember what I needed. It was butter. It took me 25 minutes to remember. I had a $20 bill. Somehow I didn’t have enough money. Why does that place have to be so stressful???

RECIPES I FUCKED UP TODAY

  1. CARROT BREAD – You know that stuff that you get as a special treat that’s like a sugar scrub, and it’s like something grainy and something oily and you wash your hands or entire body with it and your skin feels soooooo smooth after? Picture that with a bunch of shredded carrots in it, and that’s what the dough looked like.
  2. SPECIAL BROWNIES –  It turns out you need brownie mix, not just pot.

OTHER STUFF THAT HAPPENED THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE RECIPES

  1. We got a box filled with t-shirts delivered!!!!!! I’d post a photo but the shirt is on the arm of a chair that’s out of my reach, and I’m way too tired to go get it. Take my word, they’re fucking awesome and you are going to want one like woah.
  2. Harry made sour cherry Pop Tart filling and jam in baby mason jars.
  3. I got secret ingredients for my bloody marys (my sis-in-law and her sister [my sister-sister] have freaked me out with their high bloody mary standards and I’m not going to sleep until I create a perfect recipe, not that I’ll know if it’s perfect because I don’t even like those things. The only thing that happens when I drink one is that I want a shrimp.)
  4. I can’t focus long enough to remember what I was talking about. Sorry. Next time I pop up a restaurant remind me that it’s a stupid stupid stupid idea.

STRESS LEVEL ON A SCALE OF 1-10

100 billion.  Add 5 because I miss Charlie. Subtract 40K because I’m seeing him tomorrow.

a very important public service announcement.

25 Apr

So the blogger (and general human being) who I most admire (for being herself, even if it means having a hearty collection of taxidermied mice wearing period costumes) has written a book that is the #1 NY Times Best Seller. 

It’s called “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” written by Jenny Lawson. You should buy it, and follow her blog.

That’s all I have to say tonight, because I hope that someone someday will do the same for me when I write my bestselling novel about being a rich and famous weed dealer/professional mix tape maker.

SIDEBAR....
Also, today I shoved a package of lightly cooked Applewood smoked bacon into the very small spout of a bourbon bottle. It was magical.

selling weed with a one-footed teletubby and a baker with a ‘stache is the only way i’m ever going to be happy again.

24 Apr

Last night I stayed up until 3am doing paperwork, folding laundry and shaving taper candles to melt for my illuminated eggs. At 4, Riley decided that she would like to play. That was the highlight of my day.

There are officially 6 seats left on Saturday night. I think you should come if only for the humor and music. Check out the current menu…

RECIPES/OTHER THINGS I’VE FUCKED UP TODAY

1. HOMEMADE FRUIT LOOPS AGAIN, THIS TIME STRAWBERRY/RASPBERRY.  I think my standards are possibly too high, in that the loops don’t taste exactly like the completely

2. STAND MIXER.  It’s made to break into 35 pieces, right? On the week when you’re actually going to use it?

3. 30 PERSON LUNCHEON. I staffed it, made sure the table was set, got to the restaurant early to print the menus. Only they never came. Because the luncheon is tomorrow.

4. GETTING INTO MY CAR.  I left the supermarket, unlocked my mom’s car (which I have put approximately 43,000 miles on in the past 10 days) and got inside, only to be attacked by the nasty stench of cigarettes and odd feel of cloth seats. Because I climbed into someone else’s car. At least it’s better than the time I did that during carpool and there was a strange parent in it telling me to get out.

THINGS I’VE DONE/PURCHASED FOR HASHBROWN HARRY’S THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP

1. WORKED ON THE HASHBROWN HARRY’S SPOTIFY LIST. So far it’s a few versions of the old “Weeds” theme song, (if you don’t know it I feel super bad for you, because Nancy Botwin is a badass chick who you should all strive to be more like except for the part where she’s a semi-abusive mom and was once married to a Mexican drug cartel leader/politician/scary-yet-sexy guy.) Beatles covers, Champagne Supernova by Oasis, and anything with the words pancakes or eggs or bacon or quinoa in it.

2. NOTHING. The only thing I bought today was a Starbucks because I needed comfort.

2. HOWEVER… I did have an impressively stimulating conversation with some future employees when I become a rich and famous weed dealer. We won’t just sell drugs, but also drugs in the form of elaborate baked goods. The restaurant will of course be the front to our Fakery. The code word for selling our goods will be when someone orders “the chicken tacos.”  One is going to wear a 1-footed Teletubby costume (which apparently he sports every Halloween while teaching elementary aged children but he wants to repurpose it) and he is going to raise his eyebrows sketchily up and down as his signal that he’s got your weed. The other will tell you “try our favorite green salad!” with enthusiasm and a friendly smile. Her uniform will most likely be a baker’s hat and fake mustache. I’ll keep you posted.

THINGS THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GO WRONG TOMORROW

 1. I WILL SLEEP THROUGH THE ENTIRE DAY. This is completely possible. Why don’t they make Ambien for toddlers? Yet another thing in life that I’ll never understand.

2. A DOG WILL EAT MY FRUIT LOOPS.  This is almost a guarantee.

3. HARRY WILL DIVORCE ME BECAUSE I NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER BATCH OF FRUIT LOOPS. Then what will I name the damn Pop-up?? Shelby’s House of Hash??? (hmmm…..)

STRESS LEVEL ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10. 

4. I’m way too tired to count higher than that.

the fuck-up.

24 Apr

Of all the asshole things I’ve done in my life, (there are SOOOOO MANY. See below.) Hashbrown Harry’s is by far the assholiest.

Here’s what I don’t have time for this week:

  1. Online stalking Miranda Lambert.
  2. Teaching my child how to go pee pee on the potty. Basically she’s fucked and will be going to high school wearing size 13 Huggies Pure & Natural diapers.
  3. Talking to Charlie on the phone, no less going to drink water-flavored beer with him.
  4. Filling my car with gas. I’ll be running on empty hardcore this week.
  5. Proofreading my posts. Expect some reprehensible grammatical errors.
  6. Drinking water. My hands already look like oblong prunes.
  7. Doing the payroll.
  8. Laundry, dishes and other forms of cleaning.
  9. Sleeping.
  10. Not being a total psychopath crazy bitch. Sorry, world.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to blog this week, because this is how this damn pop-up got started in the first place, and now that it’s crunch time, and probably somewhat interesting to people like you who don’t actually have to do any of the work, I feel obligated to share. So everyday, I’m going to write…..

RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP TODAY

1. HOMEMADE FRUIT LOOPS

I truly believe that I have discovered Hell’s existence on Earth. It is inside my house in the form of homemade Fruit Loops for 50 people. WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING??? I CAN’T EVEN MAKE SLICE & BAKE COOKIES! I DON’T BELIEVE IN TIMERS OR MEASURING! I AM SO THE WRONG MAN FOR THIS JOB! I found the recipe(s) on two different food blogs – they had a Fruit Loop cook-off. Their blogs were so damn upbeat, with yellow in the background and little flowers growing off the bottom and pretty professional looking pictures. So I believed them when they told me that they had discovered the secret to homemade cereal. I purchased: xanthan gum, organic shortening, lemon powder, gluten free powder, superfine sugar, organic milk eggs butter baking powder baking soda, powdered buttermilk, real buttermilk. And guess what? The fucking fruit loops are nasty. And they gave me heartburn. You know what I learned from this? FOOD BLOGGERS HAVE GOT TO BE HIGHLY MEDICATED. There’s no way any sane person has the patience to do this baking-then-writing-about-it shit more than once ever. No way Jose.

2. LEMON CAKE

Last night I spent 4 hours on itty bitty cakes to serve as the 7th course. Not the decorating or frosting part, just the baking. I zested, squeezed and sliced lemons. I separated eggs without breaking the shells so I could use them as candles. I buttered and floured 19 ramekins, and baked those puppies perfectly. I did some quick math, and it will take me 184 hours to complete this course. Which would be acceptable if the cakes were edible. If you enjoy eating bricks of chalk then they are delicious. Not your cup of tea? Me neither. Fuckin’ Martha….

THINGS I’VE DONE/PURCHASED FOR HASHBROWN HARRY’S THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE RECIPES I’VE FUCKED UP

1. STRAWS ~ Paper and double-wide. Now that doesn’t suck!

2. BERRY BASKETS ~ I don’t know what they’re for, but they’re so darn cute that I couldn’t resist.

3. A NEW APRON ~ At the very least, I have half an outfit to wear on Saturday. Huge check marked off my list.

4. EGG CANDLES ~ They char a little on the edges when you light them, and might emit poison or a stench, but they look so so so pretty! 

THINGS THAT WILL MOST LIKELY GO WRONG TOMORROW

 1. MARSHMALLOWS ~Like any other person who likes pain, I’ve decided to remove the two basic ingredients of the chewy gooey loveliness from the recipe – corn syrup and gelatin. Sounds like a super duper fail!!!

2. THE REST OF THE FRUIT LOOPS ~ Tomorrow it’s blueberry, mango, red berry and peach. I wonder which flavor will stain the wall when I throw it.

3. BACON INFUSED BOURBON ~ Someone remind me to cook the bacon before it gets infused. Or don’t, but don’t give me shit when it all goes wrong.

STRESS LEVEL ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10. 

35.7 – Had to add 20 points for a possible concussion I got trying to put a couple dozen plastic spoons back in the cabinet.

Sidebar:

Some Asshole Things I’ve Done (an extremely abbreviated list)

  1. Borrowed my dad’s truck this winter while he was on vacation and left the windows open during a massive rainstorm. The result was a nice thick sheet of ice on the inside of the windshield, a busted seat heater, 100% relative humidity inside the vehicle and icicles hanging off the steering wheel, all of which lasted for 3 weeks.
  2. Talked crazy smack about some weirdo customer inadvertently to his niece.
  3. Wrote a horribly embarrassing sex article about my college roommate. (I regret that one every day, so don’t make me feel worse, parents.)
  4. Broke up with Harry on his birthday.
  5. Didn’t say yes to Harry when he proposed in the dark until I found a light to check the color of the gold

every week is sunshine week! (for my guest blogger, not me. don’t worry.)

22 Apr

To celebrate the last night of Sunshine Week, here’s a post written by Michelle, who’s the most optimistic girl on my Facebook feed by a longshot. Enjoy her enlightened outlook… She’s quite an inspiration!!

 

my name is michelle and I’m quite cheery

because i choose to be happy- it’s a choice not a theory

i realized just a few months ago

that life is pretty hilarious and fantastic, if you’re able to let go

let go of what you think you know about who you are supposed to be

close your eyes, turn off your mind, and then begin to see

that voice we call our conscious, that feeling we call our gut

that sacred knowing deep inside- well let me tell you what

i began to accept that knowing, as truth and not just dreams

i began to take the guidance, and let my life unravel at the seams

i went with the waves, refused to believe my objections, let go of all control

and holy shit now here i am, totally trusting and living as my soul!

i broke up with my boyfriend, bought a Living Social voucher to new delhi, agra & jaipur

stopped eating meat, began to smile on the street, and then began to soar

i sold my apartment on the upper west side, and resigned from Grey with tact

next week im moving to the east village- st. marks place to be exact

remember, kiddies, remember one thing, just one thing you should know

that inside we are so totally filled with love, and if you are able to connect to that glow…

your life will begin to turn out, exactly as its meant to be

you don’t have to do a thing, just relax, and smile and see.

ok guys. so that’s my poem. I learned to turn off my mind, and not believe my thoughts (that can say,”WTF are you doing walking away from this salary to start, what?? your own LLC?”!) and tune in to my soul, and listen to and trust it. Completely. And life has been a rockin’ bubble of happiness ever since. One thing I want you to know. You know that feeling when you are thinking of something that makes you smile as you walk down the street, and then as people pass you, they smile back at you? Or if you are tickling the toes of a one year old, and they begin to laugh hysterically? Or when you first start dating someone that you really like, and they text you that first smiley emoticon? There is something that wells up in you, it feels like joy, like giggles, like warm happiness. Well, that’s the love. It’s inside of you all the time- ALL THE TIME! And if you know that and begin to try to connect with it while in the shower, or sitting at your desk at work, I mean, your life is going to be a much happier place to hang out in. It’s crazy groovy when you tap in to it and realize that you can make yourself fill to the brim with love anytime you want- like, turning on a faucet of happiness at a moments notice.

sunshine week roundup!!

22 Apr

So tomorrow ends Sunshine Week, which I think went surprisingly well. I didn’t lose my shit about having to be nice, not even once! (OK maybe a couple times, but not publicly on here so it doesn’t count.) The truth is, I thought I was a minor supergenius before I invented The One Week Happiness Diet, but now I’m 100% positive that I’m a MAJOR supergenius. After 6 days of this wonder diet, I feel fab! The sun feels sunnier! My hair is incredible! And some of my clothes still fit me!! Here’s a rundown of the past couple days…

1. Eat Whatever – Yesterday I walked into Walgreens and bought a dark chocolate Kit Kat and nothing else. This is the first (and last) time I’ll ever do this. I felt so vulnerable, like I was buying condoms, a pregnancy test and whipped cream all in one pop. Today I voluntarily ate not one but TWO salads. It was so weird. Like my body was like “Listen up Shelby. I need some leafy greens or I’m going to give you back fat like you’ve never seen before. Get on it, bitch. There’s more to life than chocolate.” Or at least that’s what I think my body was saying.

2. Do Whatever – Today I climbed on a ladder to change some lightbulbs at the restaurant wearing a skirt.

3. No Complaining – I told Charlie how fat I am and he said “You’re not fat.” And I said “Charlie, I’ve gained weight.” And he said “You look fine.” And I said “Yeah, but you can tell that I’ve gained weight.” And like the great friend that he is, he said “Well you came up with this diet, Shelby. What the hell do you expect?”

4. No Bathing Suit Shopping – Yeah, it’s a good thing it’s not really summer yet. Because the One Week Happiness Diet is 100% not condusive to this particular activity.

5. Alternatively Exercise – Harry and I have taken up Zumba. Hahahahahahhahahhahaha just kidding. But we did move some tables and chairs together  in the party room tonight. Also did some hardcore grocery shopping for Hashbrown Harry’s. And today we went to an Eco Carnival [read: dreamy hippiefest] and I opted to not bring a stroller, so I chased and/or carried babygirl around for 2 hours while lifting large rocks to see what insects live underneath and playing the beanbag toss. Harry was very busy eating organic burritos and cane sugar sweetened grape soda so he was unable to assist in the carrying.

6. Take your Music Vitamins – Tonight I did a Sweet 16 at the restaurant, and joyfully had to make a playlist. She told me that she wanted Nicki Minaj and Drake type stuff. No Biebs, no Demi Lovato (I was sort of sad about that one, but who am I to argue). Found some great new tunes on the way! Check it out….

7. Enjoy the Results – How can I not be happy? This is my life….

the babygirl + the boy.

On my way home tonight I listened to a live Jimmy Buffett concert. He played one of my favorite songs and I just feel like the lyrics are great. Almost as good as his perennial favorite, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?”

Oh, yesterday’s over my shoulder

So I can’t look back for too long

There’s just too much to see waiting in front of me

And I know that I just can’t go wrong.

With  these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes

Nothing remains quite the same

With all of my running and all of my cunning

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane

If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane

If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Just in case you’re dying of curiosity, here’s what I’ve got on my plate over the next few days…

  • Making cakes
  • Frosting them
  • Making marshmallows
  • Eating them (fuck Sunshine Week, I’m keeping the Happiness Diet going until I need a motorized scooter at the mall)
  • Pacing and biting my fingernails until the HH t-shirts arrive.
  • Reviving my parents’ plants before they get back from their vacation so they don’t know that I’m totally neglecting them.

Isn’t it so strange? Apparently Hashbrown Harry’s is pretty popular and there are only like 7 seats left. Weird that my totally random and pointless blog post turned into like an actual thing that actual people actually want to actually attend.

In other news, to celebrate the final day of the 2nd ever Sunshine Week, I’ve got a great treat for you! No, it’s not pot brownies, get your head out of the gutter. It’s a very special post written by a very special guest.

Stay tuned!