sexual harrassment: it’s not just for kids anymore!

29 Mar

The other day one of my veteran waiters asked to speak to me privately. He wanted to let me know that he had been smacked in the ass and told that he had “a lot of junk in the trunk” by a new hire while he was bending over to get a takeout bag. He told me that it wasn’t a big deal, but he thought I should know. His ass and his ego were sore for days.

As a result, Harry and I quickly decided to formalize a Sexual Harrassment Policy to review with the entire staff and have them sign so they’ll stop spanking each other in front of customers, forming massage trains in the walk-in and using our bartop for passionate makeout sessions before shifts. No no, it’s all come to an end. In this age of gratuitous lawsuits and where everyone in town is looking for a quick $540 million, we need to make sure that we establish ourselves as an environment that doesn’t encourage this sort of behavior unless you’re the owners who are married to each other.

But the thing about the restaurant business is that it sort of goes hand-in-hand with lewd innuendo and frisky frolicking and unsuitable touching. I didn’t make it that way, it’s just how it is.

For example.

Tonight we had a party for some high school cheerleaders and their moms. [Sidebar: I figured out why all the teens were walking in their platform stilettos like complete spazzes… because you don’t REALLY learn to properly walk in idiotic heels until college, when you’re shitfaced at some frat party and have to walk 3 miles back to your dorm in a -16° blizzard WITHOUT SPRAINING YOUR ANKLES. You just don’t learn that crucial info ’til you get your diploma. Hardcore incentive to graduate and matriculate in a 4-year college with on-campus housing – you learn to walk.] So….. we’ve got this trophy dinner finishing up, and the two middle-aged waitresses working the party (we’ll just call them Thing 1 and Thing 2) decided that they wanted to entice Harry to help them clean up by offering to vacuum topless.

“I cannot condone this inappropriate behavior,” I scolded them and shot Harry the death look which he didn’t seem to notice because he was distracted, either with the schoolgirls or Things 1 and 2, I don’t know which. “You all signed a document banning you from offering sexual services in exchange for work. This is not good.”

“I didn’t sign it yet,” Thing 1 told me.

“I did,” said Thing 2 (I think she was a little jealous of Thing 1). “But Shelby, this is how we get our kicks. We’re old. We need this.”

Way to put me in an awkward position, Things 1 & 2. Who am I to make old people sad?

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One Response to “sexual harrassment: it’s not just for kids anymore!”

  1. Jill March 29, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    I am so glad I am no longer in the restaurant business as I would clearly be sued for slapping the ass of all the cute waiters, bartenders, busboys…and kitchen staff (just for kicks) and I could have sued so many times throughout my career if only I could prove the harassment…I really could have had a case a few times. You would have had to pull me aside for a lecture. Glad I am out of there prior to all of this.
    Another reason I am SO HAPPY I am out of the business is that I would never want to be called Thing 1 or 2 (knowing who 1 is..I know this statement is justified). Who wants to be that girl..I mean lady?

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