tales from the loo.

9 Mar

A super awesome hidden secret about my life is that my office, while pretty fly for a restaurant gal, is located adjacent to a unisex bathroom in the party room. So adjacent, in fact, that I have my own personal door into it. The door stays locked from my side, and I love love love hearing people jiggle the knob (Pun intended!) to see if it opens into some secret bathroom wonderland or something. Some do it gently, because they’re just wondering. Some do it vigorously for over a minute, because they just cannot believe that there’s no prankster on the other side waiting to punk them. I bet you’re wondering if I ever open it while someone’s on the pot, just for shits and giggles? (Pun intended again!) Yes. Yes I have. But only a teeny tiny crack. (Yup…)

The greatest part of this door is that it doesn’t quite come flush (I just can’t stop!) to the floor, so there’s technically no sound barrier between me and the toilet. In addition to my Spotify lists, I often get a thrilling additional soundtrack while I do my work/play spider solitaire/google Charlie on internet porn sites/add photos of barns my Pinterest boards.

For example, tonight me and Charlie were chilling out and discussing an impending date of his when we were interrupted by a belch so loud that my ears popped and Harry’s calendar with Howard Stern’s photos of dogs and his wife fell off the wall. We felt so lucky.

In celebration of the weekend, please enjoy the stunningly fantastic conversation I just had the pleasure of overhearing. Keep in mind that this is verbatim, because even though I could hear them loud and clear, they apparently couldn’t hear me tap-tap-tapping on the keys.

Guy – “Hold my doggie bag. I gotta pee.”

Girl – “I thought you were gonna pee at the house.”

Guy – “I’m peeing right here.”

Girl – “Gene, come on.”

Guy (peeing) – “Oh my god that feels so good.”

Girl – “Baby, I’m tired”

Guy – “It feels so good.”

So next time you’re thinking about opening a restaurant, and you insist that your office not be in the basement because it really sucks down there, just remember that it might stink either way.

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