real jewish housewives of long island (with poetry!)

6 Mar

You know that new show “Good Christian Bitches?” Yes, that’s what GCB really stood for until this morning, when they changed the bitch to belles. Well anyway, here on Long Island we’ve got the GJB’s (if you can’t figure out that the J stands for Jews, I highly recommend that you read earlier posts in my blog, particularly this one, because you clearly know nothing about me). And most of these GJBs eat at my restaurants. GJBs fall into a multitude of categories, mostly based on geography and husbands’ incomes and where they buy their shoes and whether their bag is a knockoff or real.

The GJBs at Mom’s Restaurant suck so much that I have blocked any memory of them from my brain. I am judging the entire customer base on one woman who mocked the Cosmo I made her so horribly that I’ll never combine vodka, lime juice, triple sec and cranberry ever ever again for as long as I live ever ever.

The GJBs at my restaurant are actually pretty acceptable, unless there are more than 3 of them at one table and then it’s useless to think that they will pay any attention to you (unless, of course, one of them knows you’re the owner, and then you are made to feel like the Queen that you truly are). Tonight we had a reservation for a group of 14, and I knew (because I’m a Jew and therefore I know almost every other Jew in the area) that this was a group of GCBs. I warned Nicole that her night could easily be horrible, and that she could be selling 14 waters and 12 salads (a couple girls aren’t hungry so they’re sharing a shrimp cocktail) with 3,405 alterations to them and splitting the check 14 ways.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m one of these G. Jewish Bitches at least a couple times a year (You don’t really think the G stands for Good, do you? You have obviously forgotten that Sunshine Week ended like a way long time ago). One day while standing atop Mt. Olympus I was ordered by a Greek chick (Naturally I’m referring to a sorority girl at Syracuse University) to recite her favorite salad because she recognized me as a former waitress of hers, and I vowed to never behave like HER or any of her friends ever again. Being a Jewish girl on Long Island who went to sleepaway camp and had at least one elective procedure done to her body (wouldn’t you like to know…) this is literally an impossibility. I am programmed to be a Jewish Bitch at least occasionally. Girl’s night is inevitable. It’s the reason I have one really expensive pair of jeans.  It’s also how I knew that Nicole could potentially be driven insane by her table.

Oddly enough, her table was pleasant, attentive, and treated her like an actual real live human being. They all ordered entrees. They didn’t make lemonade out of lemon wedges, Splenda and tap water. Instead of 14 forks in one slice of key lime pie, they all indulged in their own dessert. They sat for less than seventeen hours straight and didn’t complain about anything. In fact, they thanked Nicole for a great time on their way out the door and made a reservation for a couple weeks from now. I swear, I was the proudest Jewish Bitch in town.


The Ultimate Dinner for 2

Two for dinner, someplace quiet

Just one menu, we’re on diets.

No this table just won’t do

I won’t be near kids under two

In fact just put us over there

Or else I’ll tear out all my hair.

Bring us lemon for our water

When that’s done come fetch my order

I’ll take the steamed dumplings to start

No wait, the steam’s bad for my heart

Give me lettuce on a plate

Fat-free dressing would be great


Have you seen the size of both my thighs?

For dinner I’ll just have the Salmon

No potato, do you have Almonds?

If not I’ll take steamed brown rice

No, scratch that, I’ll take a side of ice.

Make the fish well done not raw

The heat will help my ice cubes thaw

That should do it for my meal

My husband here will have the veal

He needs to have a lot of green

Or else his bowels get very mean

He can’t have butter, oil or fat

But make it tasty, don’t make it flat.

Now leave us be, go get our food

You don’t want me in a bad mood.


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