how to be raised by a cougar.

21 Feb

The other day I went to the mall with Riley and we were in American Eagle looking for cutoff shorts for me and Harry’s trip to Disney World next week, and the Zac Efron-ish salesguy called me “Ma’am” at which point I sat on the floor indian style and wept. On that very same day in a town nearby, my mom wore a leopard blouse to work and a guy walked in to get a table for four and told her she looked more like a Cougar than a leopard. Luckily, there’s one thing in life that’s always true.

Cougars raise cougars!

So I may be in the awkward early-ma’am zone right this second, but tomorrow is a whole new day.

My mom is aging so impressively that I literally am excited to get older. Some people dreaded 30. I figured I’m getting closer to my 50s and my momma looks better than ever so I welcomed that day happily! I figure if genetics have anything to do with it, I’ve got no worries. Plus, I’m totally down with Botox or whatever those fancy girls pump into their wrinkles. What’s the opposite of screwed? That’s what I am. It’s starting to kick in a little… I’ve got a kid now and I wear short skirts to work and my hair is AMAZINGGGG and I just got new eye shadow that makes my eyes looks super duper blue. I’m entering MILF mode… like a pre-cougar. Quite an interesting place to be.

About a month ago my mom gave me a thing of Chanel foundation as a gift because she said that I’m too cheap to buy it for myself but I really need to be wearing it because I’m not getting any younger and it shows. Only it was the wrong shade for my skin (I’m literally the palest shade they make before ghost white) so I brought it to the counter at Bloomingdale’s to exchange it.

“Oh, I remember your mom. She was here with a young guy.” the Chanel lady told me as she gave me a full makeover.

“Yeah, must have been my brother,” I explained, figuring that she took him for some sort of shopping spree because he, too, is so cheap that he doesn’t buy himself necessities like shirts and socks.

“Um…No. That was definitely not her son…”

“Oh my gosh! You just outed my mom and her boyfriend! My dad is going to be so pissed!” I watched her face turn green, then whiter than my foundation. I couldn’t stop laughing.

My customers refer to her as “My Beautiful Mom” and my dad definitely scored bigtime when he hooked her because she’s really hot. Strangers constantly ask us if we’re sisters (do they know that is a TOTAL insult to me?? No offense, Mom). The bartenders and waiters at Mom’s Restaurant constantly have crushes on her, along with a handful of regular customers.
That being said, there’s no doubt in my mind that the Chanel Lady is a confused moron (I KNOW IT’S SUNSHINE WEEK BUT I’M BEING REALLY NICE ABOUT MY MOM, DON’T YOU THINK??). My mom was obviously not at that particular mall with her 23 year old boyfriend, she’s not that silly. She would travel to someplace like out of the county for sure, she knows way too many people. Plus she tends to not have 23 year old boyfriends.

“Mom, did you buy my makeup while you were you were on a date with your boyfriend?” I whispered.

“No, I was with Riley. I don’t have a boyfriend. I just have Dad.”

“Ok, just checking.” I smiled at my dad and winked back at my mom. She really is a Model Cougar.

I asked Harry how he feels to be married to a future Cougar and he said he’s proud. Who wouldn’t want to be married to me? I’m awesome. He’s so lucky! Next week I’m going to follow in my mom’s foosteps and brush my hair and put on some lip stuff and go to American Eagle and get hit on Zac Efron.

In conclusion, for the first night of Sunshine Week, I’d like to dedicate my post to Harry and my dad, who love us for the hotties we are.


One Response to “how to be raised by a cougar.”


  1. suck it, wine. there’s a new bottle in town. « shelbytown - November 28, 2012

    […] and stolen a few bunches of grapes for a yummy afternoon snack? That shit is nasty. Unlike my cougar mom, grapes simply do not improve with […]

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