how to spot a waiter from a mile away.

16 Feb

Tonight Charlie and I grabbed a beer at some shitty place down the street that opened not too long ago and will close even sooner, and we were joined by Nicole, who will be totally psyched to be reading about herself but will also be insulted and really mad at me no matter what I say, even if I write that she’s an occasionally cranky but mostly thrilling magical fairy princess with amazing haircolor. I’ve actually mentioned this place before because I went there with the fam for dinner and it blew, but Nicole really wanted to check going there off her bucket list and it was on the way home so I figured what the hell.

I was immediately blown away by the barmaid, because I didn’t realize that someone who lives in 1980s Minnesota could make the commute to Long Island everyday, but apparently it’s possible. “What restaurant do you guys work at?” she asked, without us telling her anything personal about us, like that we worked at a restaurant. Maybe you’re thinking that she’s really really really intuitive, or that she’s a private investigator stalking one of us for potential ransom money. But if that’s your hunch, it just means that you’re not in the restaurant business. Because there definitely telltale signs when you’ve got waiters in your company, and here they are:

  1. Everyone is dressed the same untucked buttondown shirt.The thing about changing out of a work uniform after your shift is that you really don’t usually feel like it. Especially on a Tuesday. I, of course, don’t count. My uniform today consisted of: cardigan, cleavage, short skirt, opaque tights so I can climb on the counter to change a lightbulb and nobody gets more than they paid for, my Coach boots which are killing my feet lately and starting to look weathered which makes me want to cry, a heavy chain necklace that’s killing my neck and an apple barette from when I was 3 (which is older than Charlie). It allows me to go incognito just in case whoever finds out where we work thinks the owner is a bitch. I can just deny my affiliation.
  2. There’s one old person in the mix.  For the most part, the staff at a restaurant like mine is fairly young because the pace is fast and old people get tired and achy far too quickly to make it through a shift. But there’s always that one Geezer who can keep the engine running all night and still get revved up for a Jaeger shot and a Bud Light. Tonight that Geezer was me (don’t tell Charlie and Nicole, but I really look younger and more fabulous than them, but if we’re going by age then I’m the old bag).
  3. Every other word you hear is a curse.We just can’t help it, it’s all we can do to release the pressure we feel from dealing with annoying people (like you). Tonight Charlie also said vagina a bunch of times, but I’m going to put it in the same category.

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