how to survive v-day without your work husband. (followed by poetry.)

14 Feb

Because I’m not only a beautiful boss but also a sincerely nice one, I showered my manager/work husband Ryan with a day off today, even though it’s the busiest weekday of the year. I began to regret this decision at 11:45am while I was being bitched out by a Jewish book club for not having the heat high enough and not having bread on the tables. Something I’ve learned about women and men over 50 is that it is unacceptable to not provide them with bread and butter before their meal. The idea that we put chips and dip on the table is putrid, and the only place for such things is at Chinese or Mexican. Harry trapsed in mid-attack with 13 roses (I asked for 3 peonies but they aren’t in season, according to Harry, and I just wanted to tell him that it is many seasons all over the world and he probably should have had the foresight to call a florist someplace closer to the equator but as I said before, I’m sincerely nice) and a Starbucks cake pop and none of the women reacted at all to my beautiful flowers and/or hubby and I just wanted to whine “But I’m a Jew, too! You have to be nice to me because I went to sleepaway camp! I went to your clubhouse for the High Holidays… we were served from the same lox platter!” but I didn’t because at that particular moment I had other things on my mind, like what kind of chocolate my daddy was gonna bring me, and when. Instead I smiled the WIDEST smile and said “Oh all you have to do is ask! Let me go get your some bread, my ladies!” and galloped to the kitchen to fetch bread and butter and save the Book Club’s day.

At about 4pm  I was blowing up giant pink balloons and answering the incessantly ringing phone, (“Do I need a reservation for tonight?” “No, you and your husband are the only people who go out to dinner for Valentine’s Day.” “OK, good because I don’t know what time he gets home from work.” “Right, because he doesn’t work every single other day.” “Exactly!”) and by that point I 100% regretted being the nicest boss ever (by giving a single guy off on Valentine’s Day to sulk and wallow in self pity and spiced rum). I was flustered, because while driving back from the supermarket where I had to pick up important things like pink sprinkles and the Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair, I gave some guy in front of me the finger because I thought it may have been someone I totally hate and if it was him I hoped it DESTROYED his day, and if it wasn’t him I hoped he didn’t see because it’s not nice to flash someone you don’t know the bird for no reason.

By the time dinner hit and the reservations started rolling in, I had eaten the entire bag of pink M&Ms that I bought for my staff and lost my voice from answering the phone so many times. I was tempted to call Ryan so he could save me from the Crazies that inevitably show their faces on holidays like this, when social pressure requires McDonalds/home cooking/7-11 regulars to put on their Sunday best and show their spouses (or, in the case of a handful of lunch customers, mistresses) a good time and a yummy meal. But I refrained, ready to take them on with a smile and some great cleavage.

The moral of the story is, my feet are killing me from running around like a crazy person and I’m really not in the mood to blog tonight.

POETRY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Roses are red,

Peppers are spicy

Tonight there’s no cursing

‘Cause my dad asked real nicely.*

*There may be curses, I’m way too exhausted to proofread.


One Response to “how to survive v-day without your work husband. (followed by poetry.)”

  1. Sandrew February 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

    my favorite phone call today at 2:30: “you really cant squeeze us in at 7:30? we are only going to be two people…”
    oh and this one “ok… ill take the 8:45 reservation… but if my wife and i show up at 7:30 im suuuure you can find us a place to sit”

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