The importance of being perfect.

21 Jan

I’m not going to deny the superiority complex I’ve developed over the course of the past thirty years. Why would I? I’ve devoted hours, possibly months, to dwelling on moments that prove I’m better than pretty much everyone I encounter. In fact, other than being really chubby, I considered myself pretty much flawless for much of my childhood. It wasn’t until the summer between 7th and 8th grades, when I heard this wretched voice on a tape that me and my sleepaway camp (another day) bunk mates made of us singing fake lyrics to Day-O by Harry Belefante and cackled at the offensive “singing” (if it could be called that) and later realized was actually ME that I even recognized that I may not be the Super Queen of All That is Top Notch. But I still find it difficult to be in the presence of morons, and so I find myself rolling my eyes far too often.
Sometimes this occurs at work. Unfortunately, I can’t control who walks through the door, or what people may choose to say once they get settled. I can’t banish the class act of a woman who insists that she sit at a separate table from her teenage children so she can get tipsy on grape cosmos and sexually harass her sister’s husband and/or my busboy. I am left with no other choice than to roll my eyes every time I walk away from her table.
Occasionally eye rolling goes wrong. For instance, premature rolling of the eyes is a serious hazard of the job. Sometimes you literally cannot control the circular movement of your eyeballs. Perhaps a group of customers tells you that they’re friendly with the owner, and they deserve a table “on the fly” (Vocab of the day: On the fly is what you say when you totally forget to ring in an order and you need it super fast so it doesn’t look like you fucked up big time). As the owner of the restaurant, it is my duty to hate you if you pull this shit, and to consequently make a disgusted face that results in a dramatic eye roll. Hopefully you aren’t still looking at me, but as I mentioned sometimes it just happens too quickly.
Another mistake I tend to make when rolling my eyes at customers is when I do it while facing the spouse and/or child and/or colleague of the irritating person. How am I supposed to know that they’re coming back from the bathroom at the EXACT MOMENT that I’m most disturbed by their mate’s behavior.
Occasionally I’ll locate a buddy. A compatriot with whom I can lock eyes and disapprove of intellectually inferior behavior. Sometimes this buddy is really just making eye contact with me because he wants a refill on his iced tea. Sorry, my friend, not now. Now we are silently condemning a couple who has sat at FOUR different tables and simply can’t find a cozy spot.
Tonight I picked up Riley from my mom’s house and as we headed to the door she reminded me to put the baby’s hood on because of the cold. Before I could get my hands on that hood my mom was there, pulling it snug over her tired face. And I swear, in the shadow of her pink North Face, I saw those beautiful perfect little eyes dance a spiral in their sockets. Proudest moment of my life….


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