Taylor Swift is cooler than you so stop lying to yourself.

9 Jan

One of my favorite hobbies is pushing my highly opinionated music theories on bar patrons. Most often it begins because an Amy Winehouse song starts to play and some FOOL says something like “I’m just not a fan” or “I have no respect for people who drink and do drugs like that.” Ok, first of all? YOU’RE SITTING AT A BAR. The only difference between you and her is how big your glass is. Oh, and that she’s like ridiculously talented. And I bet when Bruno Mars and Adele come on you’re gonna be like “Ooh this song is rockin!'” Well guess what, my friend, you can thank the late great Ms W for even being exposed to that shit, because they’re her contemporaries.

OK. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Taylor Swift. I’ve been listening to her music from the beginning of her career because I liked her backstory (and I secretly wondered if after the song “Tim McGraw” came out he slept with her…I think no, although if you saw Country Strong you may be a little skeptical). All these people dump on the chick, who is clearly just a Geek Girl Gone Right. I mean, ew. What a freak… She writes her own music, is a poised and eloquent role model, has great hair (it dries naturally like that, people) and adorable dresses, makes her personal experiences RHYME and is taller than most of my guy friends. Ok, the tall part is a little nuts, but other than that, what’s the big deal? Because she acts surprised when she wins every award she’s nominated for? See, Tom Hanks ruined it for people like Taylor Swift. Somewhere along the way, maybe the part where he talked to that volleyball for 3 hours, Tom Hanks just became the guy who was gonna win. And he was suave and witty and well prepared. What the fuck is wrong with being surprised that you’re better than Adele and Lady Gaga according to a group of educated people (or tweens)? I’m pretty sure that if someone told you that you were the greatest entertainer in the world, you’d be a little enthusiastic as well. And if you weren’t, then give me that Golden Surfboard because it’s really fucking cool, and you clearly don’t appreciate it enough.

I’ve got lots and lots of qualifications for these compelling arguments, so don’t think that I’m just arbitrarily coming to conclusions. For example, in third grade, the chorus teacher said I have really good pitch. Gavin Rossdale signed my t-shirt once, and I saw Dave Matthews in an airport in Italy. And I played the viola for like twelve years (Yes, I was in the orchestra in college, which I used to meet guys. Haha just kidding, that is obviously not a brilliant social plan. In fact, I invited my stand mate to a Halloween party the year I was a Slutty Angel and he vomited in my friend’s car) and I have a really expensive instrument sitting in my closet. I arrived at college during the dawn of Napster, so basically I’ve heard every song ever recorded (even if the every track on the Counting Crows Hard Candy album was on a loop of the first line, it still counts). I know more Bossa Nova than “The Girl From Ipanema” and one time I was at a Phish show in Vegas, and they covered a song and nobody knew what it was and I said “Hey, this sounds like Stevie Wonder!” and sure enough it was and everyone there (other than the people who were passed out or tripping) was very impressed with my mad skills. Last but certainly not least, I dreamt about Carol Channing the other night (Google her, young ones) where she forgot the words to “All That Jazz” and I sat next to the stage and reminded her. So see? I definitely know my shit about music. Sometimes I feel like if I dumped all the lyrics I know out of my brain, I’d have a real capacity for remembering other things, like the difference between a Republican and a Democrat, or how to subtract without using my fingers, or what I ate for breakfast.

I’ve decided to reveal my biggest secret last, because I didn’t want to destroy my credibility for 90% of you. I am hugely into country music. Not just like the ONE Lady Antebellum song and ONE Band Perry song that play on Top 40 radio. I mean, like I know every song on the Billboard Top 100 Country Singles. And I have dragged Harry to a multitude of country concerts (although he “had to go to the bathroom” for the entire first and second acts at the last concert, and missed the part where the singer guy said that he loves Jesus and I cheered in the spirit of the moment even though I’m a Jew and don’t really have any particular feelings either way for him/her/it). As a celebration of the start of my blog, I made a playlist on Spotify (by far the greatest creation of our time) for your listening pleasure. The Official Shelbytown Playlist

Awesome country songs as determined in about 7 minutes by the most well rounded music fan in the history of the world:

1. Beautiful Mess, Diamond Rio

2. Our Song, Taylor Swift

3. That’s the Way That the World Goes Round, Miranda Lambert (except the weird feedback during the first verse which I am not a fan of)

4. Stay, Sugarland

5. Don’t, Billy Currington

6. Summertime, Kenny Chesney (seasonally inappropriate but whatever)

7. These Days, Rascal Flatts

8. Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde, Travis Tritt

9. Devil Went Down to Georga, Charlie Daniels Band or even better, the cover by the Zac Brown Band (which I can NOT play on the viola)

10. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly, Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn

11. Who’s Your Daddy, Toby Keith

Side note: I own Jackson’s in Commack (which is delicious and I highly recommend it for all your eating and drinking pleasures). That is NOT the restaurant I was referring to that is closing. The restaurant I was referring to (still no confirmation so I’m still not saying the name) is the one that I was raised in by my parents who are in Atlantic City right now if you’re looking for them, and they sold it from under me in 2001, leaving me floundering for a career path. Not that I’m bitter or anything.


One Response to “Taylor Swift is cooler than you so stop lying to yourself.”

  1. Jill January 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

    Maybe I will give Taylor more of a chance now….maybe

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